Come on, LeBron James(notes). You know good and well that Carmelo Anthony(notes) wiped the sun dried tomato cream cheese from that bench bagel off his upper lip like five minutes ago. And you definitely know how self-conscious he is about having shmootz on his face in front of all these people at the U.S. Fleet Tracking Basketball Invitational exhibition game in Oklahoma City.
Kevin Durant's(notes) mom's here, dude! She's going to be mad if she finds out you're being a jerk. Plus, not lying to your friends is, like, the first thing on the list of True Friendship Factors from "The O'Reilly Factor for Kids." Just be nice and live by Bill O'Reilly's edicts like you're supposed to, OK? Jeez.
Best caption wins a wet-nap, because you've got something right ... no, not there ... to the left ... almost ... yep, you got it. Good luck.
Winner, Russell S: J.R. Smith adopts the "Rip Van Winkle" strategy of making it through a one-year contract in China after finding out there's no out clause in his deal. (Hey, it worked during George Karl's defense-related film sessions.)
Runner-up, Solomon Grundy: Billy Hunter's latest lockout survival strategy: Player hibernation.
Second runner-up, IndeedProceed: "What do one-dimensional scorers dream of, when they take their little one-dimensional scoring snooze? Do they dream of never passing to anyone? Or scoring 20+ even when they lose?"