October 26, 2011
Kevin Durant's(notes) brain's voice: "Man, check out all those satisfied Oklahoman Citians leaving the arena happy after watching us joyfully play basketball for their entertainment and to benefit a worthwhile charity. My heart swells every time they smile. Sure, this lockout has been difficult on us, but that's nothing compared to how much it's hurt true basketball diehards like these fine folks. My heart sinks every time they frown.
"We've got a responsibility to rise above petty internecine industrial squabbles and provide not only spectacle, but also spiritual sustenance for these hardwood devotees. Earning back the trust of spurned fans won't be easy, but whatever it takes, I'll do it. I promise to never forget why I'm playing and who I'm really playing for. My heart beats at a lower rate than the average human being, because I am a very well-conditioned athlete. Shucks radiant smile patriotism hugs."
Best caption wins some great advice about writing a character's internal monologue, which I obviously have not taken. Good luck.
Winner, Michael Sardone: "Italian-Made @#$% Pumps and Me: This Sort of Thing Is My Bag, Baby," by Kobe "Danger" Bryant.
Runner-up, Magic32: "If I painted the Mona Lisa, she would have this face."
Second runner-up, Beau: "Stevie Wonder and I are doing an album together called 'Lockout Vuvuzela.' It goes something like this ..."