August 07, 2008
Over the next two days, Ball Don't Lie — with help from The Blowtorch — will attempt to answer one of life's greatest questions: If the Beijing Olympics were just for NBA players, who would win gold? Up next: combat events. Fight!
Gold: Ben Wallace — There's no conceivable way Big Ben would lose an Olympic boxing match to another NBA player. Most importantly, he has those granite hands. They might not be ideal for catching a basketball, but they're fantastic for breaking jaws. Not to mention all the extra padding he'll have once his hair gets shoved in his headgear.
Silver: Jerry Stackhouse (He's loco.) | Bronze: Kwame Brown / Stephen Jackson
Gold: Ron Artest — It doesn't matter the class. It doesn't matter the style. It doesn't even matter if it's fake or real. Ron Artest is going to win at wrestling. If the guy is smaller, he won't stand a chance. And if the guy is bigger than Ron, that's irrelevant too. Once you get Crazy Snake Eggs going there's no stopping him. For spectator safety, the finals would be held in a highly-classified, underwater, padlocked, remote location. Even then, we might not be safe.
Silver: Kendrick Perkins | Bronze: Kenyon Martin
Gold: Tayshaun Prince — Like most combat sports, fencing calls on tremendous agility, speed, smarts, discipline and hand-eye coordination. It also helps if your wingspan is the length of a Boejing 747. Tayshaun is so damn long he doesn't even use a foil — his right middle finger is his thrusting weapon. (Whoa, sorry, that sounded a little dirty.)
Silver: Yakhouba Diawara | Bronze: Rafer Alston
Tomorrow: NBA players who would medal in swimming, archery, equestrian and more.