Power Rankings: Brewers get a bounce

Let’s see if we have this straight; Ozzie Guillen mows Wrigley Field, Manny Ramirez(notes) picks up his career in Lake Elsinore, Calif., and Artie Lang is blacklisted by HBO.

Sounds about right.

Week 12:

1. Los Angeles Dodgers (44-23; Previous: 1) – Lakers’ championship gets Dodgers to thinking, you know, they haven’t won without Shaq, either.

2. Boston Red Sox (40-26; Previous: 2) – Tweeting owner John Henry beginning to conduct himself like blogging Mark Cuban, not at all becoming of a man in his 70s.

3. New York Yankees (37-29; Previous: 3) – So far, Curse of MT has shown itself in eight losses to Red Sox, toilet that won’t stop running in clubhouse and eerie, late-night groans from direction of bullpen coach.

4. Milwaukee Brewers (37-29; Previous: 6) – Brewers thus far unable to make deal to upgrade rotation; rival GM’s reluctant to get Melvin-ed.

5. Philadelphia Phillies (36-28; Previous: 4) – Reality show “The Pen” debuts on MLB Network, Lidge voted out after first episode, Condrey gets a little weepy.

6. Texas Rangers (37-28; Previous: 8) – Lights go out in Arlington, Andruw Jones(notes) wants to know why every time Dodgers are around he can’t see the ball.

7. New York Mets (33-31; Previous: 7) – K-Rod goes after Bruney, Bruney backs down, K-Rod screams and points to sky at moment of surrender.

8. Detroit Tigers (35-31; Previous: 5) – Former Tigers bust Matt Anderson insists octopus toss did not injure his arm. Did, however, admit to some discomfort after mahi mahi fling.

9. St. Louis Cardinals (36-31; Previous: 10) – Other Joe Buck kept in a small room off the broadcast booth at Busch Stadium, fed cheese fries and watered-down Bud Light in between HBO gigs.

10. Los Angeles Angels (35-29; Previous: 13) – Torii Hunter’s(notes) losing streak continues Monday at AT&T Park: “All those years I’ve challenged the wall and I’m 0-16 against those things.” On bright side, he’s way above .500 against bat racks.

11. Toronto Blue Jays (37-31; Previous: 9) – Halladay says it hurts right here; trainer takes word for it.

12. Tampa Bay Rays (35-33; Previous: 14) – Not dead yet: Rays winning, Kapler mashing, Bartlett healthy, Friedman sorts through Percival and Isringhausen body parts, builds one closer.

13. Cincinnati Reds (33-32; Previous: 12) – Dusty particularly enjoys Sunday’s flavored toothpick, by sixth inning amused to learn he’d been chewing on little Daniel Herrera instead.

14. San Francisco Giants (34-31; Previous: 15) – Sabean puts virtual Lincecum to work around office; fetches coffee, makes copies, blows whistle into phone when reporters call.

15. Chicago Cubs (31-31; Previous: 11) – Hendry says Cubs need “different voice” at hitting coach, new guy Von Joshua to start with Bugs Bunny, maybe mix in a little John Wayne, because he does a pretty good John Wayne.

16. Minnesota Twins (34-34; Previous: 17) – Denard Span(notes) contracts vestibular neuronitis, suspects doctors completely made that up.

17. Atlanta Braves (31-34; Previous: 16) – Contract grievance not getting much traction, so Glavine considers sex discrimination suit.

18. Seattle Mariners (32-34; Previous: 19) – M’s have given it a little more thought and decided Morrow will be a “stareliever.” That’s once and for all. No more waffling. A “stareliever.” What?

19. Chicago White Sox (31-35; Previous: 20) – Guillen on Wrigley: “I puke every time I go there.” Weird, so do half the guys in the bleachers.

20. Florida Marlins (33-35; Previous: 18) – Hanley says if Marlins pitchers don’t start protecting him he’ll be afraid to hit home runs; also kind of creeped out by spiders and that Spanish moss stuff.

21. Colorado Rockies (33-33; Previous: 24) – Jim Tracy says this team reminds him of ’04 Dodgers; unfortunately, ’09 Dodgers might be better than ’04 Dodgers.

22. Pittsburgh Pirates (31-35; Previous: 27) – Pirates management talks to Red Sox about its shortstop, players wonder if they should get started on Jack Wilson(notes) clubhouse shrine.

23. Houston Astros (30-34; Previous: 23) – Pudge sets record for games caught in a career, judging by energy level (OBP .280), caught half of them in the past month.

24. Kansas City Royals (29-36; Previous: 25) – Hochevar throws 80-pitch complete game; Opposing Reds later admit Swing Like Vladdy Day might have been a bad idea.

25. Oakland A’s (28-37; Previous: 22) – Relievers think all those young starters are cool and all, but they’re really starting to get heavy.

26. San Diego Padres (29-36; Previous: 21) – Bud Black explains Chris Young has “a little bit of a strain in some muscles around the shoulder,” which eliminates, like, four muscles in the whole body.

27. Cleveland Indians (29-39; Previous: 26) – Indians win when gnats swarm, birds cloud, eye pride of lions at city zoo.

28. Arizona Diamondbacks (29-38; Previous: 28) – A.J. Hinch calls team meeting, D’backs beat Greinke. That’s right, it’s a little somethin’ called managin’.

29. Baltimore Orioles (29-37; Previous: 29) – Wieters hits first home run, gets curtain call, leading in mayoral race.

30. Washington Nationals (18-46; Previous: 30) – Lerners better get going with those negotiations; Acta has Strasburg starting Sunday against Blue Jays.