Power Rankings: Human element intervenes
Here’s another installment of our bi-weekly power rankings.
You might not agree with the order, but we’re not about perfection, we’re about the human element.
Week 9 (records through Wednesday):
1. Tampa Bay Rays (36-18; Previous: 1) – Rays’ Rodriguez attacked in wild by team mascot, said it could have been worse, could have been playing for Detroit.
2. New York Yankees (33-20; Previous: 2) – Yanks creep up on Rays, remind selves to shuffle feet on AL East floor.
3. Minnesota Twins (31-22; Previous: 4) – Griffey retires hours before game; Twins believe M’s should have allowed him one more game in center field and in cleanup spot, you know, for old times.
4. Toronto Blue Jays (31-24; Previous: 7) – Jays note Orioles’ Jones detained at border, still can’t believe how often Ricciardi got across.
5. San Diego Padres (32-21; Previous: 6) – Padres believe they’re for real; where else would all these piles of laundry come from?
6. St. Louis Cardinals (31-23; Previous: 11) – Lohse injury more common among motocross riders, so is ERA.
7. Cincinnati Reds (31-23; Previous: 10) – In May, Reds led NL in home runs, batting average and on-base percentage, second in runs; Dusty blamed for too many shoulder-threatening high fives from pitchers.
8. Boston Red Sox (31-23; Previous: 12) – Ortiz has huge May (.363, 10 homers, 27 RBIs), plans four stops in June for I-Told-You-So tour.
9. Atlanta Braves (31-22; Previous: 16) – Braves go last to first in 15 days, beat Maj. Gen. Sherman’s record by three weeks.
10. Los Angeles Dodgers (31-22; Previous: 13) – June arrival significant for players in many ways, for Belisario means time to get working on next year’s work visa.
11. Philadelphia Phillies (28-24; Previous: 3) – In touching sit-down with Oprah, infamous Philly vomiter claims to be a regular baseball fan, proves it by listing all-time favorite players: Ralph Kiner, Jesse Barfield, Ed Sprague, Chuck Finley, Justin Retchless, Jake Thrower and Andrew Puka.
12. Detroit Tigers (27-25; Previous: 5) – Deep down, Tigers wish if Selig was going to overturn something, it would be Willis contract.
13. Oakland Athletics (28-26; Previous: 17) – Flyer Pronger breaches hockey etiquette by pocketing puck after Stanley Cup losses, a code violation that is also dear to the folks of the 209.
14. San Francisco Giants (28-24; Previous: 8) – Posey ignites offense, Sandoval brings the steaks and sausages.
15. Texas Rangers (28-24; Previous: 9) – Vlad beans self, doesn’t recall past bad blood with self, thinks maybe self just had one get away, holds no grudge against self.
16. Los Angeles Angels (27-28; Previous: 18) – Kendrick hits walk-off, club mobilizes local authorities to foam plate area and line final 90 feet with fire trucks and emergency personnel.
17. Colorado Rockies (28-25; Previous: 19) – Jimenez atypical delivery makes him “feel like a hurricane,” which explains why he refuses to pitch near trailer parks.
18. Florida Marlins (27-27; Previous: 14) – Marlins management selling off unused perfect-game tickets, also list on eBay whiskers Halladay left in bathroom sink and footprints lifted from hitters’ necks.
19. Washington Nationals (26-28; Previous: 15) – Nats plan to work fast after Monday draft, on Tuesday have Harper catch Strasburg.
20. New York Mets (27-27; Previous: 20) – Perez refuses minor league assignment, much to relief of Buffalo Bisons’ coaching staff.
21. Chicago Cubs (24-29; Previous: 21) – Fontenot takes over second base from Theriot, Piniella seeking better at-bats, more production, maybe a hard T at end of name.
22. Chicago White Sox (22-30; Previous: 22) – Williams, Guillen reportedly not getting along, still able to share laugh over good old days, when their biggest issue was social networking.
23. Seattle Mariners (21-31; Previous: 24) – Mariners win game for Junior, need only 70 more icons to retire this season to get back into race.
24. Milwaukee Brewers (22-31; Previous: 28) – Macha, on whether Hoffman will return to closer role: “Do you want me to get tarred and feathered?” Brewers fans: “That question was rhetorical, right?”
25. Kansas City Royals (22-32; Previous: 27) – Bloomquist and Kendall intend post-baseball careers as Olympic bobsledders, thinking time in Kansas City brings valuable experience in going downhill fast.
26. Pittsburgh Pirates (22-31; Previous: 23) – Woman sues Google for providing unclear direction, sending her on harmful course; precedent-minded Pirates fans watching very closely.
27. Arizona Diamondbacks (20-34; Previous: 25) – Owner Kendrick displeased with underachieving D’backs, tries to soothe himself by remembering times when all those strikeouts were considered cute.
28. Cleveland Indians (19-32; Previous: 26) – Galarraga throws one-hitter, gets new ‘Vette. Wasn’t so bad for Indians until he had Hafner bring the car around after the game.
29. Houston Astros (19-34; Previous: 29) – Astros swept more often than the floor of an Army barbershop.
30. Baltimore Orioles (15-38; Previous: 30) – Angelos takes Memorial Day white caps, sews them all together and runs them up center field flag pole.