November 03, 2011
If you're the kind of person who rubbernecks after a horrific automobile accent, a celebrity boxing card featuring Jose Canseco fighting Lenny Dykstra might be the kind of pay-per-view programming that perfectly fills your entertainment void.
Coming this Saturday night at the Avalon in Hollywood, the former Major League Baseball All-Stars who became celebrity burnouts will go toe-to-toe in the ring as Western Civilization continues to collapse on itself. And all it will cost you to watch on your TV is $19.95.
If you're looking for some details as to how Canseco and Dykstra have messed up their own lives lately, Larry Brown Sports provides a few good links as background.
[Related: Baseball's ultimate free-agent tracker]
Canseco's been on the card for a while, but Dykstra is a last-moment fill-in for Tareq Salahi, who is best-known as the male half of the conniving couple who crashed a White House state dinner that one time. (In a way, it's too bad; I would almost think about paying 20 bucks to watch someone beat up Salahi.)
Then again, it's Canseco, who didn't even show up the last time he was supposed to celebrity box. Instead, he sent his twin brother, Ozzie, and got sued because even celebrity boxing promoters have standards. Is there any way the authorities can ensure Jose's participation this time around?
At 48, Dykstra is one year older and about five inches shorter than the 6-foot-3 Canseco. In addition to the size and presumed reach advantage, Canseco would seem to be in much better shape than Dykstra, who has appeared to let himself go a little bit as he conquered, and then got conquered by, Wall Street. But Lenny always had spunk, and he vows to "destroy Canseco" in the ring:
"Canseco ruined my career by spreading lies. I called Tareq and begged him to let me take his place in the upcoming fight against Canseco."
Does Lenny mean that Canseco somehow ruined his baseball career, or his career with stocks and bonds? Canseco never specifically named Dykstra as a steroid user, but I guess Dykstra was speaking in general terms because Canseco prompted MLB's investigation into performance-enhancing drugs, which brought the Mitchell Report, in which Dykstra was named. Dykstra also has been quoted in a book admitting to using steroids, so ... who knows what he's talking about. Does it matter?
The rest of the fight card looks like, as Dennis Miller might put it, Darwin's waiting room:
• Joey Buttafuoco against Lou Bellera.
• Nadya "the Octomom" Suleman against Amy Fisher.
• Coolio against Jeremy Jackson (Hobie Buchannon from "Baywatch").
• And they found someone to fight Salahi: Kato Kaelin. It's like 1995 all over again.
Baseball season's over. The NBA is on hiatus. Maybe the NHL isn't your sport. Are you going to seek out the Canseco-Dykstra fight?
Follow Dave on Twitter — @AnswerDave — and engage the Stew on Facebook
Other popular stories on Yahoo! Sports:
• Rare collection includes sax played by Babe Ruth | Video: Unseen treasures
• College football's top weekend games — other than LSU-Alabama
• Recruit of the Week video: 6-foot-7 girls hoops phenom headed to UConn