Mon Sep 29 04:51pm EDT
As each of the division champions and wild-card teams are determined, Big League Stew asks World Series hopefuls to issue a formal acceptance speech and explain why they're the team that will be hoisting The Commissioner's Trophy in late October. Next up to bat are the Milwaukee Brewers, who qualified for their first playoff spot in 26 seasons because Sunday they beat the Cubs and the Mets dropped another one, to the Fishes with the pointy faces.
Commissioner Uncle Bud, Chairman Attansio, General Manager Melvin, Assistant GM Ash, Mr. Baseball, Interim Manager Sveum, Former Manager Yost, Manager Emeritus Kuenn, Brewmaster Bernie, Mr. Fonzarelli, Mrs. C, Mr. 755, Mr. 3000, the Seattle Pilots, 'Sconnies, Miller Genuine Draftees, Kings and Queens of Mars Cheese Castle, Milwaukeggers, Sausages, Mustaches and Harvey's Wallbangers.
(Pause for applause and "Yah hey"s)
Phew, that was a close one, Gang of Gantner! Cheese and rice, they almost gave our mothers a big ol' heart attack. But the 26-year arduous journey is one that is most satisfying, my Belgian grandfather used to say, or something like that. Boy, that CC Sabathia, you know? No periods, now, por favor.
(Pause for cheers and "CC stay, CC stay" chant)
What's that you're sayin'? CC stay? Yeah, no kiddin'. But let's get through the rest of this season first, folks because we are in the playoffs! How 'bout that?
(Pause for cheers)
CC is a good place to start, for sure. What an unbelievable performance. He's been like that old west movie with the horse that goes, 'Get on my back, cowboy, I'll ride ya' to the promised land. Neigh!' And off they go, into the sunset. Yah, there they go. Well, we don't want to ride off into the sunset just yet. We want to get to the World Series, and win it, right?
(Pause for "Yeah!")
Now, Ben Sheets is hurtin'. His arm, the right one anyway, ain't functioning too good right now. CC's gonna have to carry an even bigger load in the playoffs against the Phillies. But he can start two or three games, no problem, he says. Can top out at 175 pitches, he says. Can throw shutouts if he has to, he says. Well, if CC says he's gonna do a thing, we ought just to believe him and let him do his thing!
(Pause for "CC Stay, CC Stay!")
The Phillies are going to be tough competition in the first round. Darned tough. They got a couple ex-Brewers on the roster, too. Our boy Geoff Jenkins. We miss him and his brother Brett something fierce, but all good things, as they say. And Davey Lopes is one of their coaches. Good ol' Davey. He didn't do too good over here as manager, but that was before CC, or BCC, if you will. Made a little joke there. No?
The Brew Crew is more than just Sabathia, and don't you forget it, Fondu Lockers. Ryan Braun — have ya seen his abs, by the way? Boy is cut like a 4-year-old sharp chedder. My wife won't shut up about it, and it's gettin' on my nerves. But what power. Thirty-seven home runs, hoo boy. Just let us see them Phillies try to stop him and Prince and Corey Hart and JJ, eh? What a punch the lineup packs. Good luck to the Phillies. Now they haven't been in a World Series in almost as long as our Brewers. They're going to be hungry, but they're going to regret messing with our boys!
(Pause for applause)
OK, that should about do 'er. Folks, we remind you to exit the lodge in an orderly fashion. No need to run to your automobiles. We want you yo get home in one piece so you can all watch the Brewers (and turn up "Ueck" on the 'TMJ). Love that Mr. Baseball. OK, folks, may God bless you and may God bless the Brewers. You folks can get up, get up, get out of here!
PREVIOUS SPEECHES: The Los Angeles Angels (AL West), The Chicago Cubs (NL Central), The Los Angeles Dodgers (NL West) The Tampa Bay Rays (AL East) The Philadelphia Phillies (NL East) The Boston Red Sox (AL Wild Card]