September 24, 2008
OK, so I almost made it.
I almost watched an entire season of White Sox broadcasts without using my considerable blogging pulpit to rail against the general broadcast buffoonery of Hawk Harrelson and Darrin Jackson, the White Sox' "announcing" team.
I almost made it an entire season without taking public issue to the incessant hometown love that Hawk has for a team that he didn't even bother showing up to watch win the 2005 World Series in person.
I almost made it an entire season without taking DJ to task for being an enabler for Hawk's alternate reality. You know, the one where every umpire is out to get the Pale Hose and where White Sox fans actually want to hear stories about the old days of the Red Sox that have nothing to do with the game at hand?
I almost made it an entire season without pointing all of you to Heave The Hawk.
But on Tuesday night, I finally broke. While the White Sox were getting dismantled by the Twins, Hawk decided not to take issue with the general ineffectiveness of Javier Vazquez in big games, nor with the creaky old bones of the future HOFer in center nor with the weak bullpen.
No, Hawk decided instead to start blaming the White Sox' poorer-than-poor play on the "sounds" of the Metrodome, breaking into a multi-inning monologue that would have made even Jim Morrison or Hunter S. Thompson sober up and ask, "Hey, what's this guy on?"
Looking back, I should have transcribed the rant so that Fire Joe Morgan could have taken it apart for its general inanity and outright foolishness. Luckily, a Sox Machine commenter named Shoeless Joakim provides this brilliant synopsis:
Hawk (revealed his) totally insane theory on how home field advantage is grounded in the way that sound waves affect the subconscious minds of players.
According to Hawk, who stated that he has been formulating this theory for thirty years, the subconscious 'eats whatever the conscious feeds it,' and when the sound waves in a stadium "bounce around" the inside of a player's skull, it creates "positive vibes" or "negative vibes," depending on whether that player is home or away. There you have it folks--the science of home field advantage.
Now I don't know the intricacies of how these elements (vibes, sound waves, the conscious and subconscious mind) interact — perhaps I wasn't listening closely enough — but Hawk rambled on about this for the duration of half an inning. The hilarious part is the fact that this wasn't enough for DJ, who, after a commercial break, brought it up again and asked Hawk to delve deeper into his theory. "Now I don't know anything about sound waves," Hawk clarified before summarizing his theory once again. Really, Hawk? No formal training in acoustics? He was probably too busy studying how the conscious "feeds the subconscious." Whatever, though. I was just waiting for Hawk to command DJ to board the Spruce Moose at gunpoint.
As some of you might know, the Sox are booting Jackson from the TV booth next season to make room for some sanity in the form of Steve Stone. Here's hoping he clips the wings of the Hawk.
Until then, the television's on mute for the rest of the regular season. How's that for dealing with the negative aspects of sound, eh, Hawkeroo?