Taking that first bite of an opening day hot dog is a rite any (non-vegetarian) baseball fan relishes.

Now, imagine yourself to be a fan of the West Michigan Whitecaps, a minor league baseball team in the Tigers chain. They mock your "hot dog with everything" and instead present an entree that makes heart patients skip a beat and cholesterol-watchers go blind:

It's the Fifth Third Burger, 1.67 pounds (rounded up) of grilled ground beef, topped with — this is not a drill, folks — nacho cheese, chili, salsa, Fritos (despite what's in the photo), tomato and lettuce served on a 8-inch sesame seed bun.

What, no fries? Not if you want to live.

This from Mickey Graham, director of marketing and media relations: "No one has eaten the full one yet."

UPDATE: We have obtained schematics (Graham sent them, actually) of a T-shirt that goes to anyone who can wolf down this monster burger.

CNBC's Darren Rovell already has awarded the Fifth Third Burger the Concession Item of the Year. Too soon, I say. What if Paula Deen comes along, y'all, and tries to top it by deep-frying a hamburger-hot dog chimera on donut buns and squirts on buttered mustard? Could happen.

Ben's Biz blog discovered the burger monstrosity and surmises that — even with a $20 price tag — it can feed a family of four in these recessionary times.

The first thing that came mind when I saw this burger: John Candy and the steak-eating contest in "The Great Outdoors."

That was a 96-ounce steak. This is just five-thirds of a pound of burger and the only prize for downing one is a Whitecaps T-shirt. An amusing T-shirt, yes. But still.

But, as the man said, nobody's earned a shirt yet. Maybe increase the incentive? Finish the burger, free admission to another Whitecaps game. How 'bout it?

The second thing that came to mind: what kind of damage could Kobayashi and Joey Chestnut do in a Fifth Third Burger eating contest?

Oh, if you must have a hot dog, but want to eat one in style, there's always this bad boy.

Finally, here's the nutritional data again, in case the T-shirt wasn't clear:

Concern..........Count.........Daily Value

Calories.............4,889..........+2,889

Sat. Fat.............199g...........460 percent

Cholesterol......,744mg.........248 percent

Sodium..........10,887mg.......454 percent

Carbs................354g............118 percent