Dear Stewie,

Good day and compliments to you! This letter will definitely come to you as a huge surprise, as you probably do not receive messages from Major League ballers every day, but I implore you to take the time to go through it carefully as the decision you make will go off a long way to determine my future and continued life in the lap of luxury and wealth. 

Please allow me to introduce myself. My name is Mr. Johnny David Damon, (formerly a.k.a. "Caveman"), the centerfielder of the New York Baseball YANKEES and one of the many pinstriped sons of the House of Steinbrenner, currently located in the Bronx, NYC, USA. Please/nice meet you. 

My ordeal started in early 2009 after the offices of the dishonorable Allen Stanford were raided and shut down due to complicated but fun PONZI SCHEME. The present democratic government is determined to portray all the good work of my easily-swindled financial advisor in a very bad light and have gone as far as freezing all my accounts assets, properties, freezing our accounts both within and outside America. As I am writing this letter to you from Steinbrenner Field in Tampa, USA, my pool cleaner, housemaids, driver and butler is undergoing a long wait in their local post office. We simply do not have enough funds to compensate them for their varied and value services. It has shamed our house across the land! 

Dear sir, I have made over $80 MILLION IN SALARY alone in my career, yet the banking system in my country will not yet release any of it to me. Please, I seek your indulgence to assist us in securing these funds. We are not allowed to see or discuss with any teammates and Few occasions I have tried to ask MR. DEREK JETER or SIR A-ROD to loan a few dollars have all failed. May the honorable GOD have mercy on them.

As I mentioned, I have/will have more than Eighty Million USD ($80,000,000.00) specially preserved and well packed in New York Yankee duffel bags and equipment trucks in the near future. It will be packed in such a way to forestall just anybody having access to it. It is this sum that I seek your assistance to get out of Tampa/Bronx Borough as soon as possible before Scott Boras finds out about it and confiscates it. To help, I please so humbly ask that you immediately wire MR. XAVIER NADY and I the amount of $14,388.82 so that we may pay part of our mortgages and stave off the crisis that is swallowing us like great monster. Doing so will entitle you to all of my earnings from May to September, plus one (1) 2004 World Series ring, three (3) "Johnny Damon is My Homeboy" t-shirt and six (6) copies of Idiot.

Your faithfully,

Mr. Johnny David Damon  (1st Gen., Bronx Bomber Army)

A big BLS head nod to the Fark commenter who planted the seed.