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Lions coach Dan Campbell's daily Starbucks order might make you convulse

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Some were taken aback by the threat to bite opponents' kneecaps off. Others were shocked by his suggestion of housing a live lion at the facility.

But new Detroit Lions head coach Dan Campbell's latest revelation, even in a caffeine-fueled country such as this, could really get people worried about his well-being.

Asked how he starts his day, Campbell spoke this week about his daily nuclear-grade beverage of choice. 

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Now we know where Campbell's seemingly endless supply of energy comes from. Not to mention the kneecap biting thing.

Who can possibly drink that much coffee?

Two huge coffees, plus a whopping four shots of extra-strong coffee. Dude

That's 80-plus ounces of heart-pounding liquid propellant just coursing through Campbell's veins every morning, likely well before most Americans even wake up. Put another way: That's more than 5/8 of a gallon he double-fists. Every day ending in Y, no less.

Does the team cardiologist know about this? Forget the vaccine — this concoction might be the most powerful drug on the market these days.

Picture Detroit Lions head coach Dan Campbell's hands each gripping a toxic coffee blend every morning. (Photo by Steven King/Icon Sportswire via Getty Images)
Picture Detroit Lions head coach Dan Campbell's hands each gripping a toxic coffee blend every morning. (Photo by Steven King/Icon Sportswire via Getty Images)

Starbucks should totally capitalize on this marketing opportunity now. After all, Campbell's stock could be at an all-time high, having yet to coach a game with the Lions. 

The franchise has a win percentage of .356 since 2000 (second-worst in the NFL) with only three playoff appearances in that span. Better to crank out a few uproarious ads before the games kick off. 

Of course, we must hope Campbell's heart can handle the stress of that much daily caffeine intake. And of coaching the Lions. Not to browbeat the matter, but can we reasonably say which one is more unhealthy?

Right now, Campbell is checking off nearly every box you could imagine for the stereotypical Football Guy. Does this man ... ever sleep? Grind the enamel off his teeth into a fine powder? Sneak in three or four extra workouts in between practices? Simply breathe into the gas tank when the fuel light in his car comes on? Perhaps he eschews a vehicle and just levitates home.

We're not sure what the effects are, and nor can we say with confidence that the Lions will be all that great this season. But anyone adopting Campbell's java routine before Lions games will be at no risk of dozing off, no matter how bad Detroit is in 2021.

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