The video for Caroline Wozniacki's debut single, "Oxygen," was released on Friday. Words cannot do it justice, but we'll try. Dim the lights, turn up your speakers, hit play and follow along with our comprehensive, second-by-second breakdown of this monumental musical achievement.
0:00 -- A DJ drops the needle on some vinyl. It's the first time Caroline Wozniacki and every other viewer born after 1990 have ever seen such a thing.
0:07 -- Caro leaves the hotel. In a show of rock star decadence, she's staying at a Courtyard by Marriott. GANGSTA. I'm guessing she trashed the room by tipping over the combination lamp/ethernet port.
0:15 -- There's a dog. The dog goes through a stationary revolving door with no human assistance. The special effects budget on this video must have been in the high teens.
0:20 -- The dog finds a young man dressed like a 45-year-old's interpretation of what a hipster is. Maybe it's one of those skinny jeans sniffing dogs.
0:23 -- "Breathin', breathin'." If there's not a creepy .gif of Caro robotically singing those words within the next 24 hours, then I don't know the Internet.
0:26 -- Caro drives away in a Lexus SUV. Do companies ever pay reverse product placement?
0:36 -- Caro and Not Rory pull up in their respective cars. Mitt Romney is slightly disappointed the dog was in the back seat.
0:44 -- If we're to believe this video, Caro spends 75 percent of her day signing autographs, posing for photographs and getting Autotuned by dudes in purple hats.
0:55 -- The video has more balls than I'd have expected. They're everywhere.
1:03 -- As Caro sings "oxygen," there's a shot of the dog panting. I see what you did there, Mr. Director.
1:10 -- Caro and Not Rory flirt via messages written on tennis balls and delivered by the dog. How Nicholas Sparks hasn't come up with this idea is beyond me.
1:21 -- Director, to Caroline: "Look more maniacal when you sing. No, no. Deaden those eyes! Looks creepy. Think Jim Pierce! Good."
1:40 -- There's a tightrope walker.
1:46 -- Caro, Not Rory and the dog get on a subway train. Those crazy Europeans and their lax animals-on-public-transportation laws.
1:52 -- HEY NOW! While holding the subway pole, Caro and Not Rory softly brush against each other's hands. I hope they brought Purell. Those poles are germ magnets.
1:57 -- It's not clear whether the shots of musicians playing instruments match up with the use of said instruments in the song.
2:04 -- Her name is Caroline. I apologize for calling you Caro.
2:09 -- The dog is in the restaurant! A White House secretary immediately calls to make reservations.
2:18 -- Not Rory is her match point.
2:22 -- For a brief second, it looks like Caroline is out to dinner with Conan O'Brien.
2:30 -- Caroline receives a phone call and rudely gets up from her chair before the bill comes. Always an effective move. I'm noting that for later tonight.
2:31 -- She's leaving! What happened? Who was on the phone? It must have been an emergency. Why else would she have had to get up in the middle of dinner without explanation. I'm guessing it was so important that there was no time for explanation. What other reason to leave in the dead of night?
2:46 -- It's daytime. Caroline is curbside at the airport, looking back fondly on the city she's about to leave. If only she had more time to savor it! But, no, she had to quickly rush to the airport 10 hours ago.
2:54 -- There's Not Rory at the airport! That's where they met! And he still has their flirty tennis ball! It was meant to be! Or not; Caroline smiles and drives away. Wait. What? She went to the airport, got out of her car, had her driver unpack her bags and then got back in a car and drove away? What games are you playing, Wozniacki?
3:12 -- The camera pulls away to reveal lights, cameras and crew. This was just a video shoot! It wasn't real! Real Rory McIlroy breathes a sigh of relief, as do we, for the song has mercifully ended.
3:18 -- Actor Not Rory and Actor Caroline hug, thus showing more affection than they did in the entire fictional video.
- Caroline Wozniacki