Boo, Pep. I am Zlatan. Did I scare you? Well, what I am about to say will frighten you even more.
I know you saw my interview where I said that if I play in Germany, it will be for your next club, Bayern Munich. I know this because I am the one who kept sending it to you until your Gmail inbox was full. And then arranged to have a bird recite it outside your window at dawn. That bird was a Zlockatoo, by the way, and like me it is a black belt in Taekwando. So I hope you didn't offend it. Except I really hope that you did.
You thought you would have it so easy at Bayern, didn't you? They are dominating the Bundesliga almost as much as I am dominating Ligue 1. Once again, you will inherit a team that already has a foundation for success so all you have to do is put on a suit and pretend the touchline is your fashion runway. But if I join Bayern, I will actually make you work, as I did during our brief time together in Barcelona. I will challenge you, Pep. Both as a man and as a Zleader.
One look from me and Arjen Robben will shatter like a glass pinata after being hit by an angry fat kid with with a medieval flail. Franck Ribery will attempt to play a prank on me and I will respond by kicking him until he is pretty. I will use Philipp Lahm as a second ponytail. And Bastian Schweinsteiger will be my Zlidekick. Because he seems like a cool guy.
What will you do then, Pep? I will score goals and win, as I always do. You will finally be forced to bow down before me and admit that I am superior to you in footballing influence and hair growth. So enjoy your remaining months out of the game, Pep. Applaud when Bayern win their trophies this season. Soon enough, I will be holding them over your head and you won't have Leo Messi to prop you up so you can reach them.
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