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Dirty Tackle

Zlatan Ibrahimovic’s expert analysis of the Champions League group stage draw

Brooks Peck
Dirty Tackle

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The old men struggled to unlock their balls for an hour and now there are Champions League groups that I will analyze. I am Zlatan. I am the Champions League Zlexpert.

"But Zlatan, you have never won the Champions League, so what do you know?" some idiot without a ponytail will probably ask. This is a stupid question. Just because I have never killed a man with a pencil doesn't mean I am not supremely knowledgable in that area. Except I have killed a man with a pencil. But that is not the point (this is lethal pencil humor). Now let's do this before the bald UEFA man starts saying more jokes that I don't care about.

Group A

Manchester United
Shakhtar Donetsk
Bayer Leverkusen
Real Sociedad

Zlatan Zlays: This group has nothing to do with me, so as far as I am concerned, it does not exist (like MRI machines and peanut butter). Manchester United's new manager has as much experience in Europe as an American tourist. Shakhtar Donetsk are Brazil's D team and Bayer Leverkusen aren't Bayern Munich or Borussia Dortmund. But Antoine Griezmann's name is enjoyable to say when I know that my own will inspire too much terror in the people listening.

Verdict: Antoine Griezmann.

Group B

Real Madrid
Juventus
Galatasaray
Copenhagen

Zlatan Zlays: The only footballers worth more than Zlatan are Zlatan, Lionel Messi, Zlatan, Cristiano Ronaldo and a younger Zlatan from another dimension who will soon dropkick his way into this plane of existence. Not Gareth Bale. Juventus will avenge this personal Zlinsult on my behalf. Didier Drogba will loudly note the level of sexual shame and Copenhagen will politely do nothing.

Verdict: Other dimension Zlatan will kick Gareth Bale in his overvalued head.

Group C

Benfica
PSG
Olympiacos
Anderlecht

Zlatan Zlays: Hahahahahahaha.

Verdict: Domination.

Group D

Bayern Munich
CSKA Moscow
Manchester City
Viktoria Plzen

Zlatan Zlays: You're finally back, Pep. You beat me in the group stage and the quarterfinals two years ago and then you left football to battle your nightmares of my unavoidable revenge and shop at that toy store with the piano dance mat from the 1988 cinematic masterpiece Big. But now you are back. And I am still Zlere. You knew I would be ready for you this time, so you had to come back with a new team. The best team. They will not save you, Pep. Sure, you will probably make it out of the group stage since Man City play like dyslexic newborn deer in this competition, but when you reach the knockout stages, I will be waiting. There will be no mercy. And for you, there will be no hair. Only knockouts.

Verdict: Your new lederhosen better be tear resistant.

Group E

Chelsea
Schalke
Basel
Steaua Bucharest

Zlatan Zlays: Is this a Champions League group or are they letting Chelsea participate in a charity exhibition?

Verdict: Jose Mourinho will finally have time to read my book I am Zlatan. He said he's been too busy to read it yet, but he obviously wants to. He wouldn't lie about that. I'm sure he'll read it now. If he doesn't, it will be for a good reason. He'll read it eventually.

Group F

Arsenal
Marseille
Borussia Dortmund
Napoli

Zlatan Zlays: This is such a group of death that goth kids are going to watch the matches and get scared into listening to Maroon 5 while wearing the color yellow.

Verdict: Arsene Wenger will become a goth kid.

Group G

Porto
Atletico Madrid
Zenit
Austria Vienna

Zlatan Zlays: Atletico have nothing to do with Gareth Bale, so I Zlike them now. I Zlike them a lot.

Verdict: Group F might invade this group and make it build their pyramids.

Group H

Barcelona
Milan
Ajax
Celtic

Zlatan Zlays: Three of my former clubs together in one group can only mean this is UEFA's way of paying tribute to me.

Verdict: This will be the season of Zlatan. Beware, Pep. You have nowhere to hide. Antoine Griezmann.

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