Hello Pep. I am Zlatan.
This must be a very difficult time for you. You've taken a team that was once unbeatable and lost 5-0 to Real Madrid with them. Everyone is criticizing your tactics and questioning whether you are the right man to lead Bayern Munich. I am very Zlorry for this...very Zlorry that I can't live in this moment forever.
Look at how little my kids think of you, Pep. Your team played so bad in the second leg that one of them has been forced to find entertainment in an iPad game I designed called "Zlatan Simulator: Kick Everyone" and the other is asleep. Asleep! This is what your brand of football does to children, Pep. It disappoints them. But tonight it also made me Zlaugh like this: Zlahahahahahaha!
Ever since you tried to brainwash me with your tiki taka cult at Barcelona, I knew it was only a matter of time before it failed in spectacular fashion. The short passes and hours of possession are useless if they are not used to create plentiful chances for an immortal striker with his own Xbox robe and Volvo commercial while also defending against the counter Zlattack. But I do not need rigid plans and systems — only unbridled power, along with the ability to rain down goals upon my opponents from anywhere on the pitch and a hair tie.
Real Madrid finally exposed your charlatanism and the Coalition Against Pep — Zlatan, Jose Mourinho and our newest member, Jupp Heynckes — will now have a Skype party, where we all dance in front of our computers to the song "Celebration" by Kool and the Gang. We all agreed to have Rice Krispie treats and Pepsi as refreshments. Except we will call it Pepno. Feel the burn, Pep. There is not enough aloe vera in the world to sooth it.
Now that your world has come crashing down around you, will you now Zlapologize for pushing your failed philosophy on me and the rest of the world, but mostly me, Pep? Because you should. If you do, perhaps I will have slightly better things to say about you in my next book "I Am Still Zlatan: Zlataning in the Age of Zlatan."
So, I will leave you to come up with the right words to atone for all of your crimes — not least of which is wasting my children's time — and to try and dream up a new strategy to not lose 4-0 with one of the greatest teams on the planet. Good Zluck. Most people wouldn't need it, but apparently you do.
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