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Dirty Tackle

Xavi files a complaint to the IOC about the Olympics ruining football

Brooks Peck
Dirty Tackle

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Xavi. (Getty)

Spain's Olympic football team shockingly failed to advance to the knockout rounds after proving unable to score a single goal in their three group-stage matches. They were the only team that didn't score at least once. This nightmarish showing was not only a disappointment for the country that just won a record third straight major tournament at Euro 2012 and currently holds the U-21 and U-19 European titles, it was also an emotional blow to touchy midfield genius Xavi. This is Xavi's latest plea (see his previous pleas to UEFA here and here)...

Gentlemen of the International Olympic Committee,

Normally, I would introduce myself as Xavi -- white knight for the overly upset -- and I would hum you a song that my mother sang to me when I was slightly smaller, but as a silver medalist at the 2000 Olympics I am sure you already know who I am and today there is no time for such pleasantries. A vile tragedy on par with any unwilling alien abduction has been carried out at the London Olympics while you have apparently turned a blind eye. The team representing Spain have been eliminated without a win, a goal or even 9,000 hours of accumulated ball possession to their credit. This, rude sirs, is not right! It's not right at all.

Clearly, there were several dastardly plots used in this conspiracy to embarrass the new and most loving home of football. And since no one is more adept at exposing these atrocities than I, Xavi, I have taken the liberty of revealing them, one by one, immediately after this exquisitely controlled sentence ends.

1) Dry pitches: UEFA has tried to destroy Spain and Barcelona before by allowing our opponents to suck the moisture out of the proverbial canvas upon which we delight the world with our endless passing. And now, so have you. By choosing the UK  -- a territory famous for its complete lack of rain and pitch-nourishing water -- as the host site of the 2012 Olympics, you made it quite obvious that your sole intention was to prevent Spain from winning another football title that is rightfully ours. I also suspect that this is also tied to a beach volleyball money laundering ring, but I'm composing a separate letter about that.

2) Supporting anti-football: London is the home of Chelsea, who cruelly perpetrated an international crime commonly referred to as "playing defense" (a.k.a. football genocide a.k.a. smothering panda cubs and joy with one hand) to wrongly defeat Barcelona in the Champions League. Your decision -- made several years before Chelsea executed their part of the plan -- to let the Olympics be held in such close proximity to this base of debauchery proves your indirect and inexcusable support for this undeniable evil.

3) Jordi Alba: He played brilliantly at Euro 2012, where he even scored a goal, and was cast as a golden god when he signed for Barcelona. Then, he goes to your Olympics, doesn't score any goals and is forced to suffer the indignity of losing. If he does not recover from whatever voodoo your minions cast upon him, I will personally bar each and every one of you from ever using my character in a video game ever again. Don't think I have that type of power? Try me.

In all honesty, I normally would not care about something as unimportant as the Olympic football tournament. But there was a very specific victim of this crime and for that, justice must be served. No, I'm not talking about the excellent Spanish players who took part in your dubious event or even the glorious fans who traveled to support them. I am of course referring to Cesc Fabregas, candy-scented angel and fortunate escapee of the aforementioned hell city. Even though he is in Ibiza, getting fondled by his girlfriend, I could see it in his eyes that he is suffering.

I expect you to restart the Olympics in a different part of the world immediately (suggestion: I hear Qatar is quite nice this time of year). If you do not, Cesc will continue to suffer and Ibiza will continue to be a sorrowful land of exotic and grief-stricken luxury. Buy me a pony.

Hugs and kisses,

Xavi, quality assurance manager for Xavi Corp.

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