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Dirty Tackle

Worst case scenario: Luis Suarez’s return from his latest biting ban

Brooks Peck
Dirty Tackle

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Luis Suarez has finished serving his 10-match ban for biting Chelsea's Branislav Ivanovic last season and he's itching to get back on the pitch for Liverpool. His first chance to play this season will, coincidentally, come against the player he racially abused to earn an eight-match ban in 2011, Patrice Evra, and Manchester United in the Capital One Cup. When a man with not one but two bans for biting opponents on his Wikipedia page returns to action, there is always the chance for something going horribly wrong. This is the worst case scenario for Suarez's return.

September-October: Suarez makes a quick impact, scoring goals and pairing well Daniel Sturridge to build on Liverpool's strong start. The fans forgive and forget his past mistakes and in return, Suarez declares his love for the club.

November: Suarez improves further as he finds his form. Since he's gone several weeks without doing anything villainous, he is described as "misunderstood" and his growing pack of defenders claim he is unfairly targeted for no good reason. Suarez forms a charitable foundation with Charlie of "Charlie bit my finger" YouTube fame to benefit people who have been bitten by other people.

December: Reports that Suarez told a Uruguayan magazine that he stalks the families of his opponents on his days off and does perverse things with their shampoo bottles are dismissed as erroneous translation. This is used as further proof that Suarez is the real victim. A bullied genius unappreciated in his time that future generations will properly appreciate.

January: A controversial handball/dive by Suarez goes unpunished and brings a fresh backlash against him and vehement defense of him. It is eventually settled as Suarez simply being the ultimate competitor who will admirably and selflessly do anything to help his team win. Liverpool announce that Suarez has no intention of leaving in the January transfer window because he loves the fans more than five of his six brothers.

February: Wayne Rooney publicly hints that David Moyes should be sacked at Manchester United, so everyone pays more attention to him for a while. Rumors of a training ground scuffle between Suarez and Sturridge are declared nonsense. The two celebrate their goals by tenderly embracing each other until the referee is forced to pull them apart, proving they could never disagree about anything.

March: Suarez is filmed performing a magic trick for his adorable daughter in the executive box during a match in which he could not play due to injury. The GIF of the tender moment goes viral on the Internet and proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that he is definitely just a great guy. Liverpool are in good position to reclaim a spot in the top four and a return to the Champions League.

April: In a very important league match against Manchester City, Suarez shocks the world by picking up the ball with both hands and riding Kun Aguero like a surfboard before pretending to trip on Aguero in the box and being awarded a penalty, which he converts. He then slowly eats every player on both teams like a man forcing himself to get his money's worth at a Las Vegas buffet since they are all frozen in disbelief by him swallowing Daniel Sturridge whole during his goal celebration. Before everyone in the stadium can flee in fear of meeting a similar fate, Suarez pulls out a megaphone and announces, in eight different languages to avoid mistranslation, his desire to be "set free from persecution" by having his wish for a transfer finally granted.

May: Liverpool finish seventh. Suarez refuses to pass Philippe Coutinho through his digestive system until he is sold to Real Madrid for a world record transfer fee, which Florentino Perez is reluctant to offer until Suarez's prison term is almost over. Football fans of all affiliations petition for his early release upon realizing how much more enjoyable the game is when you have someone to hate with every fiber of your being or support against popular opinion and rational thought.

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