Landon Donovan, the most talked about exclusion from the U.S.'s World Cup team, has agreed to talk about the World Cup and the U.S. team for ESPN. The network announced that Donovan will serve as a studio analyst in Los Angeles for their coverage of the tournament with contributions to pre-match, halftime and post-match programming, as well as various other shows.
Here's what we can expect from Landon Donovan, World Cup analyst...
-Hourly calls to replay his goal against Algeria at the 2010 World Cup, perhaps on a loop in a little box in the corner of live matches.
-Long stories about his time in Cambodia that are only tangentially related to Italy's tactical formation.
-Unflattering Jurgen Klinsmann voices.
-Constant, assertive reminders of how truly, honestly, sincerely and not all resentfully happy he would be for his teammates to make it out of their formidable group while he watches from Los Angeles.
-Analysis of every miss by any player on any team that solely consists of the phrase "I could have scored that."
-Possible use of the phrase "rum and stoked."
-Describing the plot to old episodes of The Simpsons when he's supposed to be previewing a U.S. match because it would be too painful otherwise.
-Reciting LA Galaxy coach Bruce Arena's list of 10 reasons why Bruce Arena was a better U.S. manager than Klinsmann.
-Crumpling papers whenever Julian Green is mentioned.
-Silently staring into the camera when asked a question.
-Insisting on wearing his full U.S. kit on air "just in case."
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