"Whenever life gets tiresome and clouds above are grey, I just simply close me eyes and slowly drift away." That's the start of a poem recited at the start of Being: Liverpool episode 3 and if that didn't put viewers to sleep, the remaining 44 minutes surely did.
If you did nod off during the episode, here are the standout moments you missed (presented in chronological order)...
1. Luis Suarez is important and so is the Europa League
Luis Suarez is shown signing his new contract. Managing director Ian Ayre says he is the club's biggest signing and moments later we see why as he is apparently Lucas Leiva's personal driver. While the two are shown sharing mate on the trip to Anfield, a voiceover from Lucas says of Suarez: "On the pitch you can see he's always angry but off the pitch he's just a funny guy." Presumably this means that when he bites people off the pitch, he only does it as a joke and rarely breaks the skin.
When they arrive, narrator Clive Owen describes the situation as gently as possible: "Liverpool's underwhelming results last year meant no entry into the prestigious Champions League, but they did qualify for the Europa League, a historic tournament in its own right that pits them today against Belarusian side FC Gomel." His uncontrollable giggle immediately after saying that last part was edited out.
2. Joe Allen is the Welsh Xavi
When Joe Allen follows Brendan Rodgers from Swansea to Liverpool, Rodgers calls him the "Welsh Xavi." Allen is clearly uncomfortable about this statement and immediately considers murdering the cameraman with his watch to prevent the footage from being used against him should things not go well for him.
3. A man wearing a bright blue suit should have a sense of humor about it
Allen pays a visit to team doctor Zaf Iqbal, because all three of episodes of this series have primarily been a medical procedural, and there we find the doctor is a very blue suit. Several people make fun of this suit, including Jamie Carragher, but for a man wearing an unusually vibrant outfit, Iqbal reacts as if he has never laughed at anything ever.
4. Choosing a squad number is far more difficult than it should be
One of the promises of this show was that it would reveal the inner workings of a football club. Perhaps the most shocking revelation so far has been just how difficult it can be for a player and manager to decide on a squad number. In the middle of this labored decision, a rouge voice from the off screen shouts "Sixty-nine!" -- the very pinnacle of number-based comedy. We don't see who says it, but we can guess...
A minute and a half of television later, Allen and his advisors settle on the number 24, which he already wore at Swansea.
Bonus revelation: "Everyday at Melwood, the players of Liverpool FC are fed from the kitchen..." as opposed to all those clubs that feed players from the shower room, which, frankly, is just wrong.
From there, the second half of the episode includes a trip to Jay Spearing's house (now on loan with Bolton), a brief overview of the Hillsborough tragedy (which, to be honest, should've been longer since it is 10 times more interesting and 10 million times more important than showing yet another new signing medical exam, plus the episode was dedicated to the victims, their families and the survivors), a friendly against Bayer Leverkusen, the arrival of Oussama Assaidi, more training and manager speak from Rodgers and, finally, an explanation of why Ayre rides a Harley to work (it helps him switch off).
The most amazing moment of the whole episode comes in the preview for episode 4 though, when Fabio Borini says that he's "moved house probably six times in one year." Six times! He's been with four different clubs in that span, but wow. I would just buy a caravan at that point.
- Europa League