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Dirty Tackle

The dreams and dangers for every club in the Premier League this season

Brooks Peck
Dirty Tackle

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The Premier League returns this weekend for another season of excitement and ultimately pointless bickering. With the new season comes a fresh batch of hopes and fears for each club in the league as anything and everything remains possible in the months ahead. These are the dreams and dangers for every Premier League club this season...

Arsenal

Dream: To win all of the silverware and then accuse everyone else of having a trophy drought over and over again.

Danger: New kitmaker Puma failing to produce a coat sufficiently puffy enough to get Arsene Wenger through the winter.

Aston Villa

Dream: To avoid relegation.

Danger: Making eye contact with Roy Keane.

Burnley

Dream: That a non-Burnley fan can name three of their players by the end of the season.

Danger: Opponents asking, "Is this a real match?"

Chelsea

Dream: Being able to play two goalkeepers at the same time.

Danger: All of their strikers getting injured. Except Fernando Torres.

Crystal Palace

Dream: That majestic eagles can finally be registered as players.

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Danger: That forcing out last season's manager of the year two days before the season starts wasn't the greatest idea.

Everton

Dream: Finishing in the top four.

Danger: That Jose Mourinho sold them the Romelu Lukaku from the World Cup instead of the one they had on loan last season.

Hull City

Dream: To convince someone to buy Shane Long for £12 million. So, you know, job done.

Danger: That Southampton actually gave them £12 million in counterfeit Monopoly money.

Leicester City

Dream: To lay the foundation for a long stay in the Premier League.

Danger: Suffering the indignity of Americans calling them "Lie-chester" for a whole season before slinking back to the Championship.

Liverpool

Dream: That Luis Suarez scoring 31 goals last season was only preventing Raheem Sterling from scoring 40.

Danger: Steven Gerrard attempting to prevent another crucial slip by burying himself up to his knees in the middle of the pitch every game. And Kolo Toure.

Manchester City

Dream: To take the next step in their bid for world domination and win the Champions League.

Danger: Frank Lampard's constant sobbing for the duration of the loan move he didn't want depresses everyone.

Manchester United

Dream: New manager Louis van Gaal restoring the club's honor and place atop the Premier League.

Danger: That former manager David Moyes becomes a Phantom of the Opera type figure at Old Trafford and takes up residence in the bowels of the stadium.

Newcastle United

Dream: Owner Mike Ashley getting abducted by aliens.

Danger: Instead of using his head to push people away, Alan Pardew decides to start using his pelvis.

QPR

Dream: That Harry Redknapp and Glenn Hoddle combine to provide the club with the personality and tactical intellect of one excellent manager.

Danger: That they now exist solely to promote Rio Ferdinand's efforts to sell baseball caps.

Southampton

Dream: That everyone is dumb and selling many of your best players is actually a good thing.

Danger: That they're not and it isn't.

Stoke City

Dream: Ever wonder how awesome Barcelona with Peter Crouch would be? Well you're about to find out!

Danger: That Mark Hughes has created an abomination of nature.

Sunderland

Dream: That Gus Poyet is able to improve even further on last season's resurgence since he doesn't have to start in a hole dug by Paolo Di Canio like last season.

Danger: That Jozy Altidore isn't joking.

Swansea City

Dream: Another season of everyone marveling at their ability to make the most of reasonably priced talent.

Danger: Lukasz Fabianski.

Tottenham

Dream: Leapfrog Everton to fourth place and pretend that Tim Sherwood never happened.

Danger: That none of their players magically turn into Gareth Bale.

West Brom

Dream: That the genie in their magic lamp takes pity on them and grants them a fourth wish.

Danger: Anything and everything you can imagine.

West Ham

Dream: That Andy Carroll learns how to make omelets so he can actually do something useful.

Danger: Salmonella poisoning.

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Brooks Peck is the editor of Dirty Tackle on Yahoo Sports. Have a tip? Email him or follow on Twitter!

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