To my surprise, they've decided to carry on with the Premier League even though I've retired. It's a bit like a fine race horse attempting to run after its head has separated itself from its much stupider body, but that's their prerogative. Anyway, as the man who won 13 of 21 Premier League titles, I am the only one qualified to predict the competition. If anyone else even tries it, you have my permission to slap them in the head with a hammer. Now let's get to the predictions.
Player everyone will hate the most by the end of the season (besides Luis Suarez and John Terry): Gary Medel. They call him the Pitbull and Cardiff City spent a club record £11 million to sign him this summer. Being new to the Premier League, they probably felt they needed a bonkers attack dog to put a little fear in their opponents and Medel will do that. He tried to castrate Giovani Dos Santos with his bare hand a couple years back, he lost his head and kicked a chair after getting sent off last season and he had one of the worst disciplinary records in his two and half seasons with Sevilla, accumulating 29 yellow cards. I'd say Samir Nasri would be the most hated player, but Gary Medel will probably bludgeon him to death with his own genitals before the year ends.
First manager to get sacked: I know what you're thinking. "Is he going to say David Moyes?" It's true that I brought him into Man United and I can bring him out just as fast as I can suck down a glass of wine. I might do that and I might not. Either way, he won't be the first to go this season. That will be Paolo Di Canio at Sunderland. Yes, he brought in 10 new players this summer and it's all very lovey-dovey over there right now, but when the government finds out that he's keeping his squad in line by forcing them to engage in cannibalism, he'll be deported. (Before there's any questions, I only did this briefly during the 1998-99 season.)
Will Arsene Wenger last the season? No. He'll sack himself the minute he realizes how much money he can save Arsenal by eliminating his own contract.
Top scorer: Robin van Persie. If they stay put, Suarez, Wayne Rooney and Gareth Bale will all be too busy throwing pity parties for themselves. Edin Dzeko is about due for the season of his life, so he'll be up there, as will Christian Benteke and Romelu Lukaku. And you have to like Wilfried Bony at Swansea. So if Van Persie's hamstrings finally explode, it'll be one of them.
What about Bebe? F*** off.
The names in Brendan Rodgers' Liverpool envelopes of doom this season: Luis Suarez, Brendan Rodgers and one that he can't read. The man has the handwriting of an elephant balancing a pen on its tusks.
Jose Mourinho's biggest enemy: After the business with Iker Casillas at Real Madrid last season, I wouldn't be surprised if he became the first person to genuinely hate Juan Mata.
This year's "£2 million Michu": I'd say Alvaro Negredo, but he signed with City, cost €16 million and his name sounds a bit racist. So instead I'll say that if there's a trainer out there who can get Anderson fit for just £2 million it will be whoever that mythical creature is.
The person referees are most deathly afraid of even though he's retired now: They all know that retirement just means that I have more time to keep an eye on their families.
The top six at the end of the season...
If the fans and media can somehow stop acting like impatient five-year-olds for one season and let Moyes build for the long-term:
2. Man City
3. Man United
And if they smother David Moyes with hypodermic needles from Manchester United's official hypodermic needle sponsor, forcing me back into action, we'll win the league. Again.
The bottom three at the end of the season...
19. Hull City
20. Crystal Palace
Any final predictions? This won't be the last you hear from me. And yes, that is a threat.