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Several ways to improve transfer deadline day

Dirty Tackle

Every transfer window comes to an end and that end is usually a tremendous, over-analyzed, mess of boring idiocy. There's reporters stretching guesses and rumors into a hostage situation worthy of live coverage, Harry Redknapp giving interviews through his car window like he's struggling to order a Whopper at the Burger King drive-thru, roving bands of street urchins loitering outside stadiums and, above all, mass confusion over player movements that often don't even happen. It's a day everyone wants to be face-meltingly exciting, but even when it delivers that last second monster deal, it only sets up months of disappointment until that overpriced desperation buy is finally sold again at an anti-climactic and heavily reduced fee. Here are several ways to improve on that.

Transfer fee cap.
Transfer fees have gotten out of control. It's money pissed back and forth at arbitrarily inflated rates that only serves as a ball and chain to the associated players. So, no transfer fee can exceed €15 million in cash. They can, however, include non-monetary add-ons. Like a few hundred bubble jet printers or 75,000 lbs. of ground beef. They'll be called "barter buys" and they'll be spectacular.

Live, public player auctions.
This was mentioned earlier in a post about the "icon" auction held for the new league in India, but I'll say it again because it would actually be worthy of an extravaganza. Instead of second hand reports of third hand rumors, live coverage of the auction house sale of all players on the transfer list is broadcast. You've got the fast-talking auctioneer, representatives of clubs all in one room, wild-card bidders on the phones, every bid known and some clubs driving up the price on one player to help their chances on the next. There's strategy, people yelling and, believe it or not, stuff actually happening. They can sell tickets to supporters and charge to watch on the Internet. Plus, it would serve as a more direct reminder of how unsettling and creepy this modern, socially acceptable form of humans buying and selling the rights to other humans can be when you actually stop and think about it.

Surprise deadline day.
Every morning a ball is drawn from a pot and if the "DEADLINE DAY IS F***ING NOW!" ball is drawn, then guess what? No more wasting time, no more will they/won't they stories in the media, it's just get it done. Right. Now. ... Or don't. For example, in the January window, 30 blank balls would be put in the pot along with one DDIFN! ball and each night at midnight, one is removed until that DDIFN! ball is pulled out. Then it's on.

Player/club names cannot be used when reporting rumors, only once a deal is done.
Transfer rumors are mostly terrible because 99 percent of them don't even come close to paying off and far too many are pure fiction for the sake of getting a lot of easy pageviews. They would, however, be a lot more fun if they were reported like blind items or riddles that can't be used just as SEO bait. So, instead of declaring that Club X will make a bid worth Y for Player Z, it would be have to be phrased as something like, "This Italian club owned by the (ex) Prime Minister of Perversion will bid less than the value of two headbutting Frenchmen for a man who once paired silver hot pants with crutches." And if it happens, well, only then can it be said that Milan paid €100 million for Cristiano Ronaldo.

All transfer requests must be honored...
This might sound unfair to clubs, but really, it's for the best. The last thing any club wants is to have a Carlos Tevez type situation play out on their bench after deciding to retain a player who once asked for a move. Plus, we're all tired of enduring months and months of a player moaning about wanting to leave only for deadline day to come and go with no transfer. Then everyone has to pretend that they never really wanted to go in the first place. But players won't be guaranteed a move to their desired destination and they have to go wherever they're sold. That's the catch.

...but Carlos Tevez's transfer requests are never honored.
Because screw that guy. Whenever he asks for a transfer, he has to learn English and then teach it to people who want to learn it even less than he does until the end of his current contract.

End it.
Make a year-round transfer window that never has a deadline day or end transfer periods all together. Players would either stay with a club for the length of their contract, get sacked and be free to sign wherever they like or quit and have to sit out until their no-compete clause runs its course. Except for Carlos Tevez, who would be blasted into the sun when he inevitably tries to quit yet another club (he can teach his English lessons there, too).

Video via Fitba Thatba

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