There is much for new/old Brazil manager Dunga to do if he is going to restore Brazil from the embarrassment suffered at the end of the 2014 World Cup. So, like a Festivus celebration, Dunga has started off by airing his grievances about the team and star martyr Neymar. They are presented below in no particular order, because Dunga presumably finds each issue equally appalling.
Too much crying — "A crying scene like that of the match against Chile looks bad. We are chauvinists, we have the idea that men don't cry," says Dunga, according to Sambafoot. The idea that men don't cry is both outdated and wrong, but Brazil did do an inordinate amount of it during the World Cup. During the national anthem, press conferences, after losses (and wins) — it went beyond endearing shows of emotional honesty and revealed a team cracking under the intense pressure of playing in front of home fans expecting nothing less than perfection at all times. Though Dunga's motivations here are backwards, a bit more emotional stability might not be a bad thing. If only to save the kitman from having to get mucus stains out of all those shirts.
Neymar and Dani Alves dying their hair during the tournament — Dunga says he wouldn't have allowed it and added that they should have done it either before the tournament began or after it was over. Dunga seems to think that dying one's hair is a process roughly akin to securing a bank loan. But this shouldn't be surprising coming from a man who emerged from the womb with the same crew cut he has today.
Neymar's personally branded hats — Dunga not only has a problem with Neymar's hair, but what he uses to cover it. Dunga seems to view the personally branded Neymar Jr. caps worn by the team's star during the tournament as reinforcing the problematic belief that Brazil existed solely to honor and support Neymar. In other words, Dunga probably despises Rio Ferdinand.
Brazil's many Neymar tributes — Continuing from the last point, Dunga also did not approve of the many tributes to Neymar from his teammates after a back injury ended his World Cup in the quarterfinals. “The message conveyed was ‘we lost a warrior’," says Dunga, because of course he uses military analogies for football. "But if we go to war we can’t keep crying. We can’t harm the soldier who takes their place.” Long story short, he's not going to be wearing any Forza Neymar caps to the stadium like Phil Scolari.
Everything else Neymar says and does — Dunga didn't actually say this, but given everything he has said so far, it seems likely that Dunga is very eager to take Brazil's star down a peg or 20. And if he does, it probably won't take Brazil's federation and public to show Dunga how much more they care about Neymar than him. At this rate, Brazil probably would have been better off naming Grumpy Cat as the team's new manager.
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