Several potential exhibits at FIFA’s planned underground museum

Brooks Peck

FIFA announced plans to use $196 million (of their $1.2 billion cash reserve) to build an underground football museum as an extension of their Zurich headquarters. Why won't it be above ground? Mostly because that wouldn't be evil enough. The museum will include "'3D animations, interactive games, trophies...everything a football fan could wish for." Here are further details on several of the top attractions:

Sepp Blatter...in 3D: FIFA's unopposed dictator, Joseph S. Blatter, welcomes you to the museum in a 3D film that will let you feel the same delightful invasion of personal space from a leering old man that Shakira experienced at the 2012 Ballon d'Or ceremony.

The Trophy Room: Be sure to bring your camera so you can get a picture with the actual FIFA Club World Cup trophy, which Barcelona "accidentally" left in Japan after winning the tournament last December. When notified of the oversight, Barca graciously donated the trophy, stating that they simply didn't have the shelf space for it.

The Hall of Bribes: In addition to viewing exhibits depicting the many notable bribes throughout FIFA's history, all visitors to the FIFA museum's Hall of Bribes will have the chance play an interactive game where they can offer a real, live FIFA executive cash and other valuables they have readily available in exchange for a chance to host a future World Cup in their yard (warning: the game is just for fun, but all bribes will be kept).

Cafeteria: Indulge in an assortment of culinary delicacies from all 208 FIFA member nations. All foodstuffs will be offered at inflated stadium prices and infused with delicious salmonella. Yum!

The Corporate Overlord Centre: Learn everything you ever wanted to know about FIFA's many corporate partners and answer several fun consumer surveys! (All visitors to the Corporate Overlord Centre are required to legally change their surname to Coca-Cola.)

The Corridor of Legends: Walk through the Corridor of Legends and Johan Cruyff just might shove you out of his way and then swear at you in Dutch.

The FIFA Gift Shop: Jerome Valcke bobbleheads!

The End: You don't think FIFA will just let you leave once you're inside this world-class underground lair, do you? Hahaha! You're not going anywhere. You and your family will be required to work as employees of the FIFA museum for the rest of your unnatural lives. You will never see the light of day again. No one will miss you. (Mostly because they're already working in another part of the FIFA museum and their last name is Coca-Cola now too.)