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Dirty Tackle

Several dramatic possible conclusions set up by the Champions League semifinal draw

Brooks Peck
Dirty Tackle

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The Champions League semifinal draw at UEFA headquarters put Bayern Munich up against Barcelona and Borussia Dortmund against group-stage foes Real Madrid. In addition to separating the two Spanish and two German sides, this also set up the opportunity for a few different outcomes that each carry the potential for drama, intensity and mass destruction. So let's examine each of the potential pairings for the final at Wembley and the entertaining horror they might bring.

Bayern v Dortmund -- The all-German final. Though Bayern ran away with the Bundesliga title this year, Dortmund won the previous two and would be eager to get the last laugh this season by giving Bayern a third Champions League final defeat in four years. After admitting to having a hair transplant in January, Dortmund manager Jurgen Klopp is filled with a renewed sense of confidence. With fellow hair transplant recipient Wayne Rooney as his spirit animal, Klopp could summon the force to distract Bastian Schweinsteiger with a series of bizarre facial expressions and guttural noises, causing him to miss the decisive shot in the final's penalty shootout for the second year in a row. Bayern would then enter a self-imposed five-year Champions League exile citing "too many feelings."

Bayern v Real Madrid -- Desperate to avenge their 2010 Champions League final loss to Jose Mourinho (then with Inter), Bayern agree to an idea from their next manager, Pep Guardiola, in which they join forces with semifinal opponent and Guardiola's last club, Barcelona. The resulting "Bayernalona" freak team would send Mourinho into an apoplectic fit as all of his worst nightmares about Guardiola, his old nemesis, conspiring against him come true. The combination of Leo Messi, Xavi and Andres Iniesta with Philippe Lahm, Franck Ribery and Thomas Muller proves bafflingly effective with its amorphous form as Guardiola cackles, wearing a white lab coat and standing atop the Wembley arch. Possession is his game, football becomes his slave and Bayernalona become a wildly successful touring act in the vein of the Harlem Globetrotters.

Barca v Dortmund -- Written off as the old guard to Dortmund's new regime of youth and speed, Barcelona once again prove that with Leo Messi, all other forced storylines are invalid. Still suffering the ill effects of a hamstring injury, Messi hops around the pitch on one leg for 90 minutes (partly because hopping is fun), scores four goals and makes Mario Gotze decide to become an architect.

Barca v Real Madrid -- Jose Mourinho has already made it clear that he is leaving Madrid this summer, so for him this would be the final Clasico. In this apocalyptic, scorched-earth scenario, Mourinho picks up where he left off with Real Madrid's 3-1 win against Barca in the second leg of the Copa del Rey semifinal this season and dismantles Barcelona once and for all. Cristiano Ronaldo would put Messi on his shoulders and score at will. Mourinho would win his record third Champions League title with three different clubs. He immediately announces that he is staying in London to rejoin Chelsea and that he is the Highlander. He would then urinate in the center circle to mark his territory for all to see.

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