Unless you are an oracle octopus with powers behind human comprehension, making predictions is a self-aggrandizing waste of time. So here are several Euro 12 predictions that are close enough to being believable.
-Even though he's not participating in the tournament, Lionel Messi will lead the Golden Boot race with 34 goals (narrowly edging out Stewart Downing).
-Patrice Evra will try to lead the French team in another training session boycott, but this time no one will follow. He will then sit in a McDonald's for an hour, hoping that's enough time for everyone to forget.
-Thousands of fans will be shocked to see that Andriy Shevchenko still plays football.
-Mario Balotelli will end racism in Poland and Ukraine not by killing racists, but by randomly giving them cash and fireworks, thus changing their minds forever about people of different ethnicities. He will also tear up their lawns by doing donuts on them with his Maserati.
-Zlatan Ibrahimovic will blame Pep Guardiola for Sweden's shortcomings. He will then kick Euro 12 mascots Slavek and Slavko in the head at the same time.
-Andrei Arshavin might wake up in time for Russia's final group stage match.
-Roy Hodgson will be sacked when England go down 1-0 in the first half of their first match of the group stage. The FA will email Harry Redknapp asking if he will replace Hodgson immediately, but since Redknapp doesn't know what email is, he won't get it in time. John Terry will then take over as interim manager and lead England to a triumphant victory in the very unofficial third place match in his back garden.
-Tensions between the Real Madrid and Barcelona players in the Spanish team will finally boil over, sabotaging their efforts to retain their title. Fernando Torres will literally be caught in the middle of it. He will feel uncomfortable.
-Germany will win because they don't have Arjen Robben and Mario Gomez will use more hair product than he did in the Champions League final.
-After the final, Eden Hazard will tweet "I'm signing for the Euro 12 winner" and delete it a half hour later when he finds out that he can't do that.
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