Is this how you do it? ... I go to sleep and think about things? ... Like tiny eye glasses and prodigious arm hair. ... No, that's just what I'm seeing because my eyes are still open. ... I'm not doing it right, am I? ... This is seriously how I sleep, though -- with both eyes open while leaning my head against my hands while standing up. ... I never know when Roman Abramovich will take me back to Chelsea in the middle of the night. ... Or when Didier Drogba will show up in his pajamas and start yelling about his cat and Salomon Kalou and Champions League referees who do ridiculous and/or awful things to him. ... Can I use the restroom and continue this when I get back?
MY NECK IS THE STRONGEST PART OF MY BODY
Dun-na-na! It's time for the ongoing adventures of...Fernandooooooo Gingerbread! Dun-na-na! ... This week, we find heroic Fernando Gingerbread still thinking about the golden opportunity he missed to slay the evil Sir Strawberrynose and his red minions. ... Princess Stevina Gerrard attempts to comfort him. ... "Oh, Fernando Gingerbread, you need to forget about that miss already and stop crying icing tears out of your raisin eyes. You've scored two goals in the Pastry League season already and you will surely get your revenge on Sir Strawberrynose when it matters most!" ... "You are absolutely right, Princess Stevina! I'm done feeling sorry for myself and I will now use my gumdrop gumption to win the day!" ... "Hooray!" ... This has been another installment in the adventures of...Fernandoooooo Gingerbread! Dun-na-na!
Time for the disgrace. ... First, Guus Hiddink talked about my visits even though he repeatedly promised he never would. That's an embarrassing and disloyal f***ing disgrace. ... Then, I got all excited to play a Premier League match this weekend and then someone told me that it's another international break. That's an insanely boring f***ing disgrace. ... Then, Kalou decided he was going to spend the break at my house because he thinks it's more fun but he only thinks that because he doesn't care when he breaks stuff at my place and he doesn't have to pay the bill when he leaves the air conditioning running all the time even though he opens all the windows. That's an inconsiderate f***ing disgrace. ... Then, I bought some milk that was already expired. That's a mislabeled f***ing disgrace. ... Then, there were those times those referees who probably aspire to be on a reality show about falling in love with a deformed dolphin cheated us out of the Champions League. That...that was a...
Photos: Reuters, AP, Getty
- Didier Drogba
- Salomon Kalou