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Dirty Tackle

Rafa Benitez pitches himself for the Chelsea job

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I am Rafa Benitez and I smell success. Also, bagels. (Getty)

According to Soccernet, Rafa Benitez would be willing to replace Andre Villas-Boas as Chelsea manager. If the job is offered to him. To help invite that offer, Rafa has sent Chelsea a list of reasons why he is the perfect man for the job.

Hello, I am Rafa Benitez. You might know me from such places as Liverpool or the buses around Liverpool. Trust me with your dog grooming football team for the next several months. Here is why you should...

-First of all, I heard that you are not happy with Fernando Torres. Everyone knows that I can get the best out of Fernando Torres. Unless he has scored fewer than 10 goals over the last calendar year. Then it's hopeless. Fact.

-I have already proven successful at replacing Jose Mourinho. In just six months with Inter, I won the Club World Cup -- club football's most prestigious tournament with the words "Club World Cup" in its name. Then, with nothing left to prove since they already won the treble before I even got there, I left. Sacked.

-I still hate Mr. Sir Alex Ferguson. It may seem like I have not been doing much since leaving Inter over a year ago, but I have. I am now 100 percent prepared to beat Manchester United and Mr. Sir Alex Ferguson thanks to the many secrets I have learned about him in my capacity as a spy. Example: He always washes his hands after using the toilet. Hacked.

-Oh yes! I almost forgot to pretend that I almost forgot to mention how I have won the one thing you want so very much. Well, the one thing besides the internationally heard-of Club World Cup. Of course I am speaking of the Champions League trophy. Here is a photograph I keep in my wallet next to a picture of magician David Blaine...

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Notice anything special? That's right, I took off my goatee. (Getty)

Jealous? I can't think of any more words that rhyme with "fact." So I will just make one up right now. Binacked.

-I am good at making up rhyming words. ... ehhh. ... Ffff...act.

Even if you decide not to hire me, I will still sell you my Champions League winner's medal for £10. OK, £5, but only because I heard you are very free in handing out large sums of money. See? I am also an excellent negotiator. Cashews!

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