Dirty Tackle

Rafa Benitez’s notebook (Steaua Bucharest v Chelsea)

Brooks Peck
Dirty Tackle

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(Getty)

The Rafalution starts now!

Note for Alex Ferguson: Replacing Jose Mourinho > Losing to Jose Mourinho.

Another note for Alex Ferguson: I am still in a European competition and you are old. Fact.

One more note for Alex Ferguson: Hahahahahahaha!

I am wearing the jacket Leo Messi wore to the Ballon d'Or gala as a tie.

Yossi Benayoun isn't going to dominate this game if he's starting on the bench. That's just science.

The solution to this North Korea problem is David Beckham. And he'd probably do it for free.

Sure. Now that I'm in charge, Petr Cech suddenly can't save every penalty he faces. Must reschedule Rafalution. Again.

Does Romania have a waffle-like food product? Craving something that's like a waffle, but not quite a waffle. Something for the halftime team talk.

Have Cuneyt Cakir mark Howard Webb this weekend.

I still work here. Wow.

Fernando Torres has tied his boots better than anyone else on the pitch. He's improving every day.

Real Madrid will win the Champions League so that I can take over three reigning European champions in three different countries. That has to be an impressive record to someone.

Buy socks.

Can't believe I got John Terry to read Soccernomics by telling him it's like the Kama Sutra but for footballers. That book is going to make his head explode. And then no one will stand in the way of whatever it is that I want here.

Post-match message for the press: "As long as we don't get relegated to the Bulgarian third division, this season will be a complete success."

Alex Ferguson loses in Europe before our match, so I lose in Europe before our match. He benches Wayne Rooney, I bench Paulo Ferreira. He doesn't speak to the press, I say whatever I want. I have matched his mind games at every step. Now, as I always do, I will finish what Mourinho started. The Alex Ferguson statue will fall and I will stand in its place for several hours each day until they tell me to stop.

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