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Dirty Tackle

The Rafa Benitez guide to being Chelsea manager

Brooks Peck
Dirty Tackle

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"I can do it and so can you!" (Getty)

Rafa Benitez was probably the last person Chelsea supporters wanted as their club's new manager and they've expressed that in each of his first two matches in charge. Though Benitez and Chelsea might seem like an odd pairing, especially on the interim basis to which he has signed, that is the reality of the moment. Luckily, Rafa has fully mapped out his path to the job and plans once settled in it for anyone who wants to follow in his footsteps.

-Say disparaging things about Chelsea fans long before taking the job is even a consideration.

-Only make it through half a season with another club where Jose Mourinho has become a mythical standard to live up to. When it's clear your job is in danger, give the owner an ultimatum about transfer funds. Get sacked by mutual consent.

-Spend a couple of years blogging (it can be about football, but it can also be about any of your other interests like gardening or the service industry).

-Replace a beloved manager who won the Champions League the season before. Send them a private note thanking them for setting you up for another appearance in the Club World Cup, the greatest tournament in the history of mankind. If you haven't already ordered business cards that say Master of the (Club) World (Cup) under your name, now would be the best time to do that. Order in bulk.

-Ignore the jeers aimed at you during home matches. When Geoff Shreeves tries to make you acknowledge them, just smile and silently pass gas as you walk past him after the interview.

-Throw away all the pictures of Mourinho and Roberto Di Matteo at Stamford Bridge and burn all the DVDs of Di Matteo's Champions League success in the megastore. When you realize how hard it is to burn DVDs, just lick them all so nobody will want them.

-Instead of getting Fernando Torres to score more goals, get the rest of the team to score less goals.

-After dropping points at home and watching the Manchester clubs break away from the rest, tell the press that you're still in the title race. Technically, it's true. And those idiots have no idea that the Mayans were definitely right about the coming Apocalypse that they never actually predicted.

-If the world continues to exist after the year's most popular predicted Apocalypse date, briefly panic.

-Fulfill Robbie Keane's latest boyhood dream by signing him for £17 million in January. Also, resume pursuit of your own personal white whale: Gareth Barry.

-When Roman Abramovich does not agree to buy all of the players you want, tell him that you are the interim manager and you are not going to stand for this! He definitely won't sack you like he did to all those other guys.

-Leave behind the stash of Toblerones you hid in David Luiz's hair. The Pep Guardiola robot that Abramovich has been building is going to need them more than you now.

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