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Dirty Tackle

The Qatar Investment Authority’s review of FIFA 13

Brooks Peck
Dirty Tackle

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To celebrate the release of EA Sports' wildly popular FIFA 13 video game, we asked the Qatar Investment Authority, owners of PSG, to play it and give us their thoughts. This is their review...

First of all, we were gravely disappointed to learn that this is a video game and not the ability to purchase ownership of FIFA, the actual international governing body of football, for the entirety of 2013. Secondly, we were even more disappointed to learn that this game is not available on Playstation 5, which we have had forever, and can only be purchased for an old, decrepit system like Playstation 3, which is for poor people like the Queen of England.

Upon starting the game, our disappointment continued when we threw shopping bags full of euros at the screen to trigger the ownership mode, where you can sit back while talented players and owners scramble to collect your money like children under a broken pinata and then attempt to repay you with medals and cups you could have easily paid a craftsman to make for you. Not only did this not trigger the ownership mode, but there was no ownership mode to trigger. You can only play as a footballer or a manager, both of which involve doing things that require time and effort. This is the opposite of fun.

We then hired legendary footballer Pele to play the game for us. As soon as he saw that Neymar has an overall rating of 88 while Lionel Messi has a rating of 95, he said the game was "dumber than Jr. Pac-Man" and refused to play. We then hired Maradona to play it instead, but before he did, he asked why Pele refused. Four hours later, he was still talking about how Pele must have been taking his suppositories orally again and had yet to start the game. We then discovered that there are young people who record themselves playing the game and publish these videos on YouTube. We briefly considered hiring one of them before realizing that being in the presence of these screaming children and their jump-cut sensibilities would be unbearable.

After observing several matches, it became clear that these were not the actual players being controlled through electronic implants and were, in fact, just pixelated nothings. This was a let down. In the game's "manager mode," the ridiculous lie continued with a limited budget and wage cap below infinity. How absurd! (Related to that, there was no "laugh at Financial Fair Play" button to speak of.)

At no point does Sepp Blatter appear in the game to solicite bribes or say something regrettable, nor is it possible to pay Michel Platini to say that having the World Cup in December is a good idea. There are only slightly different simulations of all the worst parts of football and none of the entertaining John Terry controversies.

The only section of the game that was somewhat enjoyable was the "Ultimate Team" feature, where you can use real money to improve your team. After spending €1.3 billion on gold level packs of player cards, we were finally able to win a single-player tournament on "semi-pro" difficulty after 17 attempts. It felt delightful.

Positives:

-The fans depicted in the game are not actual humans and thus do not complain, commit acts of violence or insult the dead.
-There are no pundits spouting idiot speak.

Negatives:

-Does not let you control real people.
-Raises Pele's blood pressure.
-Isn't at all fun to watch someone else play it. Especially when they they think that pressing a button to trigger a pre-determined player animation is somehow indicative of a skill worth being proud of.

Final verdict: This game is profoundly unrealistic and ultimately worthless. We give it -7 Zlatans out of a possible 100 Zlatans.

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