Dirty Tackle

Premier League Positives: Everybody wins! (Except the bookmakers and the relegation threatened)

Brooks Peck
Dirty Tackle

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For the first time in the Premier League's long history (dating all the way back to the medieval times of 1992), the top seven clubs in the table all won their matches. This was great news for them and everyone who bet on them, but it was also very bad news for everyone who played against them and the bookmakers, who lost up to £30 million all together. Given this devestation, it is perhaps more important than ever to look at the bright side of things. So here's a nice comment about all 20 teams in the league.

Arsenal: Four wins in a row and still in first place. Arsene Wenger is quite certain that Robin van Persie and Cesc Fabregas will demand a transfer back to Arsenal any day now. He even set up a special phone line just to service their calls.

Aston Villa: Christian Benteke scored his first goal in four months! And it was against Arsenal. Watch out, Fernando Torres.

Cardiff City: Losing to West Ham is bad, but at least they don't have to play Man City until Saturday!

Chelsea: Jose Mourinho says he "belongs to Chelsea" and will stay as long as the club will have him. Upon hearing this, Roman Abramovich grinned an adorably sinister grin.

Crystal Palace: Jason Puncheon's missed penalty in Palace's 2-0 loss to Spurs was so bad that it was impressive (look for the red mark in the upper left corner in the image below).

Anyone can make a penalty or miss it by a little bit, but only Jason Puncheon can push the radar system to its earthly limits.

Everton: Ross Barkley conveniently injured for the rest of the transfer window. Tactics.

Fulham: Steven Sidwell is still the club's top scorer. Still! Someone's going to write an excellent book about this one day.

Hull City: Having an owner who wants to change the name to Hull Tiger isn't nearly as bad as having one that wants to change the name to Hull Autoerotic Asphyxiation Tigers.

Liverpool: Luis Suarez and Daniel Sturridge could score on a pitch with no goals.

Man City: Kun Aguero is coming back. As if they needed him (City have won every league match since he got hurt in December).

Man United: David Moyes still hasn't crawled into the fetal position during a match yet this season.

Newcastle: The referee who ruled Cheik Tiote's goal offside is being punished with fourth official duty this weekend. And the public shaming of someone who wronged you is always pleasurable.

Norwich: Same goal difference as last-place Crystal Palace (-18), but three more points. That's...something.

Southampton: ARTUR BORUC IS BACK AND HE WILL HEADBUTT EVERYONE INTO SUBMISSION WITH HIS TOES!!!!!!!!!

Stoke: Between his underwear dances and his singing, Stoke just signed the league's most entertaining striker in John Guidetti.

Sunderland: Three straight wins in all competitions (one against mighty Carlisle United and lesser victories against Fulham and Man United).

Swansea: Pep Guardiola would consider 61 percent of possession against Man United a win (despite losing 2-0).

Tottenham: Maybe Spurs can sell a few more players to Toronto. They pay good money.

West Brom: "Pepe Mel!" is just fun to shout. In a dentist's office. While having your teeth cleaned. With no pants on.

West Ham: Sam Allardyce can make himself smell like pickled cinnamon rolls!

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Brooks Peck is the editor of Dirty Tackle on Yahoo Sports. Have a tip? Email him or follow on Twitter!

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