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Dirty Tackle

Michu’s impassioned response to missing out on the PFA Player of the Year shortlist

Brooks Peck
Dirty Tackle

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To whom it may concern,

Put on your imagination cap and allow me to take you for a ride.

You are a 27-year-old Spanish footballer who is playing his first season in the wonderful Premier League. When you first arrived, people did not know who you were. Even your teammates at Swansea City thought your name was "Pikachu." But from your very first match, you scored goals. A total of 17 so far this season to put you joint third in the league. You even helped your club win the Capital One Cup. Now people know your name and they have you in their pretend fantasy teams.

"You will definitely be shortlisted for the Professional Footballers' Association Player of the Year Award," everyone says, sometimes while you are using the bathroom. You did not expect this type of honor in your first season here, but you start to believe them. It makes you feel excited like a drunk Santa Claus. You even decide to have a small party to celebrate the release of the shortlist.

You make a reservation at the T.G.I. Friday's fine dining establishment and invite Leighton Baines and Santi Cazorla and Pablo Zabaleta so you can all celebrate your nominations together, plus Olivier Giroud because he had nothing else to do. You order enough appetizers to choke a mature water buffalo. And then the shortlist is released. And none of you are on it. Especially not Giroud's. Instead, these are the names and the questions you ask yourself:

Luis Suarez: Did I not use my hands and dive enough for their liking this season? Could this be an award for players that are disliked and everyone saying I should be on the list actually hates me?! Does my breath smell like garlic?

Robin van Persie: Would going two months without scoring a goal late in the season have made people appreciate me more? Who told Giroud he could finish the potato skins?

Gareth Bale: Are my teammates not good enough for me to be considered a one man team? Should I run as fast as I can and then jump into the ground whenever someone gets near me? What is a chicken finger BLT?!

Michael Carrick: Does he get bonus points since he overcame being Michael Carrick?

Eden Hazard: Why didn't I fulfill everyone's desire to kick our impudent ball boys first?!

Juan Mata: Should I grow a beard and then order another mojito?

And so you sit here. Overlooked and neglected and with Olivier Giroud. You can only hope that next time, more care is taken when compiling the shortlist for this award. Even though you're still not sure if it is something you should care about. Now take off your imagination cap and you will know how I feel.

Sincerely yours,

Michu

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