Dirty Tackle

Michael Owen’s carefully considered hunt for a new club

Brooks Peck
Dirty Tackle

This is how Michael Owen always walks his dog. (Reuters)

In mid-July, Michael Owen announced on Twitter that he was "getting closer to finding a new club" after being released by Manchester United. "Had a good deal of interest but just need to pick right!" he added. At 32 years old, Owen is coming off yet another injury-plagued season in which he made just four appearances (and scored three goals), down from 17 the year before. The following are Owen's private notes on each team he is considering.

PSG -- They're signing all the best players and handing out tidy sums of money. Plus, sitting on the bench and not getting a winner's medal or two for it was a difficult pill to swallow last season. That Zlatan Ibrahimovic seems a bit full of himself, though. Starting ahead of him might cause some friction in the dressing room. Would be awkward.

Liverpool -- They've probably gotten over the fact that I signed with Man United since I rarely played for Man United. Even if they haven't, I could be the person that convinces Liverpool and Man United to stop being rivals and just be friends already. It's about time both sides come together and start hating an American club like Seattle Mariners. I would surely be the BBC's Sports Personality of the Year again for that.

Team GB -- Now that they've been knocked out of the Olympics and probably won't exist again until after I retire (if ever again), I could get all the glory of representing my country without actually having to play. I doubt they'd be able to meet my wage demands though. That's probably what happened with Beckham, too.

Cheshire U-13s -- I do enjoy demoralizing 13-year-olds and I likely wouldn't even break a sweat on the way to scoring 10 goals a game. But I already said I wouldn't play at a level below the Premier League and I can't go back on my word.

Stoke -- Pro: I would take them from being a decent side to one of the country's greatest. Con: I'd be in a body cast by the end of the first training session. (Note to self: You are not injury-prone! You just happen to get injured a lot, including right now when you were typing and your femur spontaneously popped out of your leg.)

Man City -- The departure of Owen Hargreaves does leave a hole in their squad and a very clear Owen deficiency...

Barcelona -- I went from Liverpool to Man United, so why not Real Madrid to Barcelona? I could teach Messi about scoring goals and horses. He would appreciate that.

A horse football team of my own creation -- Is the world ready for Michael Owen Presents Horse Football? Probably not...probably not. Peasants.

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