Every year, an attempt is made to transform the practice of old men picking club names out of bowls into something that's actually exciting by declaring one cluster of teams the GROUP OF DEATH. Even though no human life has ever actually been ended by the formation of a Group of Death.
This year, Champions League group A gets the honor for including Bayern Munich, Villarreal, Man City and Napoli and this year, someone (or a lot of someones) might actually die because of it. That may sound silly. That may sound like a typical media exaggeration of the Champions League draw. But it's not. Because this group includes Mario Balotelli.
Here are several ways that Mario Balotelli can turn Champions League group A into a real Group of Death:
-He could throw poison-tipped darts at Italy teammate Giuseppe Rossi as a joke and accidentally hit Marcos Senna.
-He could run over Marek Hamsik while attempting to speed off somewhere in his Maserati.
-He could frustrate Roberto Mancini with his spinning backheels to the point where Mancini douses himself in oil and sets himself on fire.
-He could look at Arjen Robben, causing his fragile body to explode.
-He could complete the time machine he's been working on and conspire with his future self to help Man City advance from the group, causing a tear in the space-time continuum that causes the universe to collapse on itself.
-He could play well and behave even better, causing his doubters to die from shock and embarrassment.
These are, of course, just a few of the limitless possibilities. Good luck in your attempts to survive the untold horrors of the Group of Death.
- Mario Balotelli
- Bayern Munich