Liverpool launched a new mascot, dubbed Mighty Red, in an attempt to combat the likes of Gunnersaurus and Stamford the Lion for the fleeting attention and momentary devotion of small children who are told that they are football fans. The giant liverbird, which appears to have a pair of large teeth-like strips in its mouth, made its debut at a children's party in Liverpool.
While some traditionalists have been put off by the surprise addition of this kiddie marketing tool, Mighty Red explains that he's just out to have a good time:
"When I'm not in school, in detention, or playing footy with my mates, I get to go with the Liverpool FC Foundation to meet kids all over the world! I feel like the luckiest LFC supporter ever. I'll also be working on my great dance moves and footy skills for the next party!"
Why Liverpool felt the need to make their new mascot a detention-bound troublemaker is an interesting question, but apparently all his time spent being punished for his scholastic atrocities will prevent him from appearing at Liverpool matches. At least, for now. Says Jen Chang, Liverpool's new director of communications, on Twitter:
Mighty Red won't be going on the pitch at Anfield this season - he's here to help interact/engage young kids at various community events
By specifying that he won't be on the pitch "this season" it makes it seem like Mighty Red is destined to eventually dance beside Daniel Agger before matches as long as these kids parties don't end in revolt. And by specifying that his purpose is to "engage young kids," it seems Liverpool have decided that a dancing bird with teeth is the way to capture the merchandise-purchasing influence of young children while the wait for major trophies continues.
But whatever the strategy is behind Mighty Red, Gunnersaurus is watching. Through the cleverly disguised hole in his neck.