WATCH LIVE:

Dirty Tackle

Jose Mourinho welcomes Rafa Benitez back to life in his shadow

Brooks Peck
Dirty Tackle

(Getty)

Rafa, what are you doing?

I mean this as serious question, Rafa. What are you doing? You are like a boy who goes to school, gets sick from eating glue that is clearly labeled "toxic -- do not eat," takes two years to recover, writes blog, then comes back to school and immediately eats another kind of glue that also has warning label on it. This behavior is not funny. Except, yes, OK, it is very funny. Hahahahahaha. That is me laughing at you.

Why do you keep jumping into my wake and trying not to drown, Rafa? At Inter, you had a team that belonged to me and lifted the UEFA Super Cup and the Club World Cup because I made it possible. Then you urinated into the wind by attempting to give the owner an ultimatum and got sacked after six months. Who does this? Are you actually eating glue like the Rafa boy in my analogy? Maybe you should check your house for gas leak or some kind of poison spiders.

Now, after two years of watching me win more trophies and spending your time farting out blog posts, you decide that the perfect job for you is to once again join the European champions and a team and supporters that belong to me. A team you once hated. Except this time you are less ambitious and only take embarrassing six-month contract. Hahahahahaha. Again, this is me laughing at you.

Should I be worried about this trend, Rafa? Do you not know that there are many other clubs in the world besides the ones I have made mine? Are you going to take Porto job next? Will you come back to Real Madrid once I leave and sniff my chair? Do you have pictures of me all over the walls of your blog cavern? Are you going to make a body suit out of my skin? You shouldn't even try to do that, Rafa. Because it will not fit and the fur doughnut around your mouth will only get stuck in the zipper.

But I wish you good luck in your latest futile endeavor, Rafa. You will need it. And rest assured, I will be laughing at you the whole way. Enjoy my shade. Hahahahahaha.

Mockingly yours,

Jose

P.S. If you ask Petr Cech or Frank Lampard to throw away their pictures of me like you did at Inter, they will beat you with John Terry.

Sign up for Yahoo Fantasy Soccer
View Comments (18)