Dirty Tackle

Jose Mourinho’s expert analysis of the Champions League group draw

Brooks Peck
Dirty Tackle

The 2012/13 UEFA Champions League draw in Monaco. (Getty)

Hello. I am Jose Mourinho, the only one ever to do anything and this is my analysis of UEFA's spectacle of cheating that they call the Champions League draw. Let's begin.

Group A

Porto
Dynamo Kiev
PSG
Dinamo Zagreb

Jose says: Dynamo and Dinamo in the same group? This does not happen in nature. Note how UEFA does this in group with Porto, the first club I graced with Champions League trophy a.k.a. the Jose Mourinho Cup That He Somtimes Loans Out When He's Feeling Bored of It. This is foreshadowing of evil to come. Carlo Ancelotti's eyebrow knows this...

(Getty)

Verdict: Pep Guardiola will watch this group at home in his pajamas because I knocked him out of football. His wife will ask him to take her out to nice dinner, but he will be too depressed. He will make up a fictitious stomach trouble and I will laugh. PSG will probably get eliminated because Ibrahimovic needs me.

Group B

Arsenal
Schalke
Olympiacos
Montpellier

Jose says: You don't normally see the representatives from a Pot 3 club smile when they get put in a group, but that is what the Olympiacos representatives did when they saw this. Arsenal have played two matches and scored the same amount of goals in each -- none. I know from experience that when you laugh at Arsene Wenger, he gets angry. He throws water bottles and his nostrils have tiny seizures.

Verdict: There are no winners here.

Group C

Milan
Zenit St. Petersburg
Anderlecht
Malaga

Jose says: Milan sold their best players, Malaga are in financial trouble, Zenit think Andrei Arshavin is still good and Anderlecht I do not care about.

Verdict: This is the group of sadness.

Group D

Real Madrid
Manchester City
Ajax
Borussia Dortmund

Jose says: The champions of Spain, the champions of England, the champions of the Netherlands and the champions of Germany. Can Steve McManaman be that bad at picking balls out of a pot? Yes. But there is something more to it. UEFA, the referees, they all try to make it more difficult for Real Madrid because for me, everything is too easy. Winning trophies, being the best, making jokes about blogger boy Rafa Benitez. It is all too easy. And this group will be too. Unless it isn't. Then I will complain.

Verdict: This is the group of death. Because Pepe will kill everyone and I will poke Michel Platini in the eye until he thinks he's English if his conspiracy keeps us from advancing. And Ajax will cry. Why do they keep getting used as pawn in UEFA's schemes? They are like poor goat in Jurassic Park.

Group E

Chelsea
Shakhtar Donetsk
Juventus
Nordsjælland

Jose says: Real Madrid get three other champions but Juventus and my Chelsea get put in a group with a club that has never played in the Champions League and has fake conjoined letters in its name. Fabio Cannavaro didn't even try to say it because it is not a real word. This further proves that UEFA is trying to cheat me.

Verdict: Chelsea will once again make it to the knockout rounds and it will once again be thanks to me. Just last week my old friend in the mirror asked me when Roman Abramovich will send my winner's medal from last season's victory. I said, "I do not care. He knows I don't need a winner's medal to recognize my unmatched achievements. Anyway I would just throw it away again." And as I said this my old friend in the mirror said it too because everyone wants to be like me.

Group F

Bayern Munich
Valencia
Lille
BATE

Jose says: Last season, Bayern Munich beat Real Madrid on penalties in Champions League semifinals. This only happened because Sergio Ramos decided to use his shot as a scout for NASA's Curiosity. But I cut his hair and he should be fine now.

Verdict: Bayern will dominate this group and then I will dominate them. Like Alex Ferguson at S&M party. And just like that I have ruined your sex life.

Group G

Barcelona
Benfica
Spartak Moscow
Celtic

Jose says: It was nice of UEFA to put Barcelona in a group with two other clubs that finished in second place last season. They can talk about losing and eat ice cream treats together. Another thing Barca have in common with all the others in this group: they did not win the Supercopa de Espana. Oh snap.

Verdict: Peplinger will watch this group with his friends to try and make him feel less alone. They will all have on vests in a place that has no other vest wearers. He will still feel alone and he will wonder if Tito Vilanova is wearing his pants.

Group H

Manchester United
Braga
Galatasaray
CFR Cluj

Jose says: This is ridiculous. Manchester United always get the easiest groups. But they showed last season that they cannot always advance in these easy groups. Still, these matches will be useless as Man United's stock.

Verdict: Shut up.

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