Dirty Tackle

Jose Mourinho congratulates Pep Guardiola on finishing second

Brooks Peck
Dirty Tackle

Kaka laughs. (Getty)

Pepington. Hello.

First, I would like to congratulate you on beating Malaga. That must have been an enjoyable experience. Until I stepped on your happiness and did Macarena on it by winning La Liga right afterwards. Now my players -- the best players -- toss me towards the heavens while I shout for joy like this: "Ahhhhhh Peppleberries."

Note how Ramos does not drop me. This is because I am more special than Copa del Rey trophy. Which you can have because I do not need it anymore. It is beneath me now. Which is why it is perfect for you. I laugh now.

Let's review chronology of events, Pepaulettes. First, I beat you. Then, my Chelsea beats you. Then, you decide to quit football. Then, I win La Liga. And soon, I will win Champions League again. It looks to me like you could not handle being the wilted lettuce that everyone pulls out of a delicious Mourinho sandwich and throws away so you decide to throw yourself away instead. This analogy is perfect. Unlike your tactics. I laugh now.

I win seven titles in four countries. You win three titles in one country and then quit because winning makes you tired. It does not make me tired, Peppermill. It makes me feel good. It makes me feel complete. It makes me feel...wait for it...spectacular. Did you think I was going to say "special?" This is why I am ahead of you, Pepsi. Shut up.

And by the way, Peppermints -- I have message from my dear friend Zlatan Ibrahimovic for you. Zlatan says: "Knock, knock. 'Who's there?' Zlatan. 'Zlatan who?' I am Zlatan. And I am going to pay someone to do this at your house every day until you return to football so I can defeat you myself. Head kick! Zlatzee!" I. Laugh. Now.

I must wrap up, Peptalk. Your season and job is over except for previously belittled Copa del Rey, but I have celebration to attend and preparations to make for Munich, when my Chelsea will win Champions League. If they succeed, it is because of me. If they fail, Rafa Benitez and Andre Villas-Boas are to blame. Perfect. And now, there is just one last thing for me to say: Cristiano rules and Messi drools. Good luck living a life as boring as watching a Barcelona match.

Respectfully yours,

Jose

P.S. I miss you already.

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