Just 18 minutes into Arsenal's 4-1 win against Norwich, Jack Wilshere completed an exquisite combination of passes and scored a goal that is being hailed as one of the greatest team goals ever. The passing was so quick and skillful and breath-taking that, like a solar eclipse, looking at it can cause permanent retinal damage. For your own physical and mental well being, do not watch this goal. And if it's already too late for that advice to save you, then we can only apologize.
Wilshere's goal qualifies as pornography and sets an impossible expectation for how real people can play the game. It will only make other Premier League clubs feel inferior for being unable to replicate it. It could drive Barcelona to disband their team and force Lionel Messi to become a strip club DJ. Rumor has it that beleaguered Manchester United manager David Moyes has already changed his name to a guttural sound and disappeared into the woods after just hearing about it. If children were to watch it, they would realize the futility in even attempting to play the same sport as those who have achieved such unspeakable greatness and be doomed to a lifetime of self-doubt and candy that tastes like melted hair.
In the interest of public safety, we will not be showing this goal.
Emirates Stadium is now a danger zone where all who enter must wear protective glasses and body condoms to avoid being blinded and impregnated all at the same time. Sex is now just a primitive form of Arsenal's style of play. Abstinence is the only reliable contraceptive.
Forget the importance of trophies or money or breathing — this goal is the greatest achievement in all of human history. Future generations will hear the tale of Cazorla to Giroud to Wilshere to Giroud to Wilshere and whispers of how it was once viewable in a strange format called "gif" and they will dismiss those tales as too fantastical to have ever been real. Instead, they will choose to believe stories of the prophet Harry Redknapp telling his players to "run around a bit" and congratulate themselves for evolving. This will be the only way our species can ever start dreaming again.
The power of Özil is simply too strong. You have been warned.
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- Sports & Recreation
- Jack Wilshere