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Indisputable proof that Cristiano Ronaldo is returning to Manchester United (or not)

Brooks Peck
Dirty Tackle

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"I'm going back to Manchester and this is totally a real quote!" (Getty)

Though Manchester United fans' crowdfunding campaign to raise the money necessary to pay Cristiano Ronaldo's ginormous transfer fee and bring him back to his old club was shut down last month, the fervent desire to see him return has not dissipated. As a result, rumors and scraps of out of context information are melded together and blindly repeated in the hopes that he can be willed back onto the team.

Here's the latest proof that Cristiano Ronaldo is definitely returning to Man United, if only in the minds of the forlorn journalists and supporters he left behind.

-Prior to Manchester United's 2-0 win against Wigan in the Community Shield, Antonio Valencia decided to relinquish the No. 7 shirt and go back to wearing No. 25. Obviously, he could have only done this because Ronaldo is rejoining the squad and his old number needs to be thoroughly cleaned and made ready for him.

-On Monday, Paddy Crerand claimed on MUTV that Ronaldo was spotted in Manchester. This quickly spread to Twitter, where pictures of him at the airport were used to confirm the rumor. Pictures like this one...

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(Reuters)

Nevermind the fact that this picture was taken four years ago in Portugal as he made his way to Madrid. That's not important. All that matters is that prayers are being answered and Ronaldo is going to Manchester.

-After returning from a lengthy preseason tour of the United States, Ronaldo and Real Madrid teammates Pepe and Fabio Coentrao were granted permission to join the Portuguese national team a day late ahead of their friendly against the Netherlands on Wednesday. Fenerbahce's Bruno Alves, who played in the Turkish Super Cup the day before, was also given permission to arrive a day late. This can only mean that Man United are signing all four players with the help of the Portuguese football federation. This goes all the way to the top.

-FIFA organized this international date just before the start of the season (and the end of the transfer window) specifically to give Ronaldo a chance to sneak off and finalize the deal. Few people know this, but Ronaldo and FIFA president Sepp Blatter play online poker together every Thursday night.

-In June, Ronaldo put his Madrid house up for sale. The buyer? GARETH BALE.

-Sergio Ramos dyed his hair blond specifically to drive Cristiano Ronaldo out of the club. Ronaldo always said that if Ramos did that or if Iker Casillas ever bought a cat, he would leave.

-Manchester United manager David Moyes publicly went after Cesc Fabregas, a player he knew he could not sign, as a diversion for the top secret Ronaldo negotiations. Meanwhile, the only thing keeping Real Madrid from giving Spurs €250 million for Bale is the fact that Moyes initially had trouble convincing Valencia to surrender his shirt number.

-Wayne Rooney wants to leave Man United because he knows Ronaldo is coming back and he's jealous. A parody Twitter account claiming to be his son Kai said so (parody means "super real").

-In July, Jose Mourinho, who coached Ronaldo at Real Madrid said, ''I know Ronaldo loves Manchester United and I know he loves the Premier League..."* Like Ryan Gosling in The Notebook, Ronaldo will do anything for his love.

So there you have it. You can't argue any of these facts because they are all true and/or completely made up. Just accept that Ronaldo is going back to Man United whether he's actually going to or not and everything will be fine.

*"...but I think he is going to stay," Mourinho concluded.

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