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Dirty Tackle

A scenario in which PSG fail miserably this season

Brooks Peck
Dirty Tackle

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Zlatan is is Zlupset. (Getty)

With all of the talent PSG have gobbled up over the last two years since beginning their Qatari revolution, it's assumed to be a foregone conclusion that the club will dominate in Ligue 1 and Europe this season. But, even with all the money in the world, things don't always go according to plan. This is one extremely unlikely (yet still possible) outcome.

Late August -- Everything is fine. Carlo Ancelotti's eyebrow dances confidently. There is some concern when Guillaume Hoarau goes missing and Zlatan Ibrahimovic shows up wearing his No. 9 shirt. Zlatan says everything is fine, but with a devilish smirk that everyone seems to miss/chooses to ignore.

September -- A league match against Toulouse goes terribly wrong when several players vomit up their pre-game meal of wale caviar, champagne and chocolate gold coins (except instead of chocolate they are filled with actual gold). Players then eat fistfuls of lobster meat as a halftime snack, but this doesn't help at all. The match is lost and doubt starts to creep in like Zlatan into Guillaume Hoarau's house a month earlier. Speaking of Hoarau, he's still missing.

October -- Claude Makelele somehow decides that the best application of his "Makelele Role" to being an assistant coach is to prevent PSG's players from sitting on the bench during matches. Many players succumb to cramps as discontent grows. The injuries leave PSG's squad dangerously thin and the poor results keep coming. Ancelotti's eyebrow develops a nervous twitch that makes it look like he's constantly passing war messages in Morse code.

November -- Frustrated by being stuck behind the club's many other attacking options, Kevin Gameiro takes stock of his situation and realizes he's actually been an Abercrombie & Fitch model all along. Thiago Silva retreats to Milan in the middle of the night and hides his family at the home of one of Silvio Berlusconi's prostitutes. It will take PSG nearly a year to figure out which one.

December -- PSG are eliminated from the Champions League even though they were in the easiest group of the competition as they were too focused on conserving energy for the all-important second leg of the semifinals. The team unanimously decides not to play in the Europa League because their "project" is too special for that. Zlatan and Maxwell -- old friends who have played together at Ajax, Inter, Barcelona and now PSG -- have a falling out over who gets the window seat on the team bus. Zlatan announces that the entire team will feel his "Zlatengence." Nene laughs and Zlatan kicks him into the bus toilet.

January -- 22-year-old captain Mamadou Sakho and Diego Lugano are embroiled in a racism scandal when Sakho repeatedly gives him direction by referring to him as "blanc." "In Uruguay, no one would ever refer to another person by their skin color," an irate Lugano tells the French Football Federation, who ignore the matter in the hope of preventing anyone from bringing up their own national team race quota scandal again. Lucas Moura watches the movie 24 Hour Party People and now believes that Manchester is a nicer city than Paris after all. He demands a transfer to Man United, the team for which he was originally going to sign.

February -- Emboldened by discord within the squad similar to that of the French national team, Jeremy Menez accuses goalkeeper Salvatore Sirigu of blocking too many shots in training. Menez invites Samir Nasri to visit and Nasri accuses PSG's in-house reporters of writing negative stories about him. Zlatan kicks Nasri so hard that he forgets why he left Arsenal.

March -- PSG are eliminated in the quarterfinals of the Coupe de France by second-division club Guingamp when they fail to show up for the match. "We don't play second-division peasant clubs," Mathieu Bodmer is later quoted as saying from aboard a yacht shaped like a velociraptor. Carlo Ancelotti is sacked and replaced with Sven-Goran Eriksson after attempts to sign a Sven-Goran Eriksson impersonator are unsuccessful.

April -- Resigned to disappointment, very little happens. Mostly because Zlatan Ibrahimovic has completed his promised revenge with a final act he calls the "Zlatpocalypse." He announces a plan to sell himself to Napoli just to spite Ezequiel Lavezzi.

May -- PSG finish 14th in Ligue 1. Salomon Kalou ends the season as Ligue 1's top scorer. When asked if he will move from Lille to PSG in the offseason if the price is right, Kalou replies, "No. Footballers are now above standard human desires like attaining wealth and contriving success. Big cities have too many tourists. Money is no longer important to us."

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