Manchester United continue to plumb new depths of shocking helplessness and ineptitude under David Moyes, with their latest indignity coming in the form of a 3-0 loss at home to Liverpool. Referee Mark Clattenburg awarded the visitors a dizzying treble of penalties and sent off Nemanja Vidic on the third, which Steven Gerrard failed to convert. In doing so, he missed out on becoming the first Premier League player to score a hat trick entirely comprised of spot kicks (and at Old Trafford no less!). But when Luis Suarez scored six minutes later to finish off the day, Gerrard surely got over his disappointment. Still, even he must ask, "What if it continued?"
97' — Feeling left out as the only Man United defender not to concede a penalty, Patrice Evra makes a reckless challenge on Lucas, which prompts Daniel Sturridge to dive out of his seat on the bench. Clattenburg points to the spot.
98' — With Gerrard out of the match, Iago Aspas converts the penalty for his first Premier League goal because why not?
99' — Gerrard resumes his passionate affair with the camera, but is stopped by teammates just as he begins to remove his shorts.
105' — Robin van Persie announces that Man United's official website misquoted him when it reported he was happy at the club. He adds that he actually just shouted, "Help me, Arsene, you're my only hope!" at the nearest computer and ran away.
109' — Juan Mata is shown a yellow card for quietly weeping on the bench and making everyone feel bad. Liverpool are awarded another penalty.
110' — Luis Suarez converts, then celebrates by again posing as Martin Skrtel's joyous mutant genitalia for those who were too bewildered by the sight the first time they did it.
116' — Man United's hospitality team begin to think they took this message a bit too far...
122' — Marouane Fellaini's sole contribution remains his ability to bleed everywhere.
127' — David Moyes wonders how he can blame this all on Tom Cleverley.
133' — Brendan Rodgers commissions a statue of himself to put in his kitchen.
136' — Rafael commits his 8,473rd bookable offense. Clattenburg refuses to send him off because he is puzzled by the Brazilian's animated pleas for leniency. Or is he doing a Borat impression? Hard to say. He does award Liverpool another penalty, though.
137' — Simon Mignolet takes the penalty because he was getting bored at his end of the pitch. He misses on purpose out of sympathy for David De Gea, who is curled up in the fetal position and pretending to eat an invisible donut.
139' — Wayne Rooney considers changing his name to Spanks Devereux and starting a new life as a strip club DJ.
145' — The match is abandoned when every Premier League referee past and present descends upon Old Trafford and awards Liverpool penalty after penalty to show they are no longer under Sir Alex Ferguson's spell. David Moyes exits the stadium using Cleverley as a human shield. Steven Gerrard impregnates every electronic device in the building.
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