Dirty Tackle welcomes Tim Squantin, a first-time writer who has decided he knows a lot about the beautiful game and will share his trials and tribulations as a fan. This is his first post...
This season has been torture on true football fans like myself. Manchester United, who have been "championes, championes, ole ole ole!" of the Premiership every season for as long as I can remember, have been TERRIBLE. Back in the United glory days of 2012-2013, we could make joke after joke based on everything from the numbers in match scores ("I'd 4-0 be a Norwich City fan right now!") to derogatory puns based on club names. Like Chelspoo or Liverski. Places like Twitter, Facebook and Reddit were playgrounds and "fans" who chose non-championes clubs couldn't touch us.
But then Sir Alex Ferguson, who had gaffered Manchester United since 1932, decided to retire and let David Moyes come in and completely ruin the club. He signed players like Chris Smalling and Tom Cleverley, who just aren't up to the Red Devils' standard of excellence. As a result, all the jokes that hardcore Manchester United fans used to make about other clubs are now being made about them. So while David Moyes takes United down the toilet, I'm not going to let him take me down there with them. I've fallen in enough toilets in my life to know how bad it is down there.
The decision of which club to switch my undying support and loyalty to is a difficult one. Especially in the middle of a season like this where this is no clear front-runner to win the league. At first I considered Fulham, since they did so well against Manchester United and the name of their stadium, Craven Cottage, sounds like a brand of cinnamon swirl bread, but then I realized they couldn't even beat terrible Man United and I said, "rejected!" out loud in a public bathroom.
This brought me to a perplexing crossroads. Arsenal, who were in first place, got destroyed by Liverpool and then their manager fell down in a train station. Meanwhile, Chelsea recently beat Man City, but the managers of both Chelsea and Liverpool have repeatedly downplayed their teams' title chances this season. This is a major problem for aficionados of the football like myself. Who are we supposed to support when the managers of the best clubs say they won't win the title this year? I'd say Bayern Munich or Barcelona, but the Premier League is the birthplace of football and I don't speak German or Spanish, so I can't understand all the memes about their players.
Since these decisions can't be made hastily or based just on emotions, further deliberation is going to be necessary. For now, I'll just have to support "Wait And FC," which means I can make fun of everyone else's clubs and they can't slam me back because I don't have one right now. Thankfully, I have the dedication of a true fan, so I will definitely read all the most retweeted jokes, analyze the most random passing stats and read all the articles comparing Premier League teams to TV show characters. Join me on this journey of enlightenment and I'm sure I'll teach you a thing or two about the game along the way.
It will be difficult, but in the end I will choose the right side and it will feel so, so good.
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