Wayne Rooney has signed a new contract with Manchester United, which will run until June 2019 and reportedly raises his wages to £300,000 a week. Shortly after signing the deal, which followed months of negotiations, the 28-year-old striker announced that he will be forced to demand a transfer this summer unless he is given an even longer contract worth even more money.
"I am delighted to commit my future to Manchester United," Rooney told reporters. "But it seems unlikely that we'll qualify for the Champions League next season and I know Chelsea would still like to have me and my agent says Man United will still do anything I want in order to keep me, so unless they double my new wages and throw in all the raw meat I can eat, I'll have to demand a transfer. Again. But all that aside, this truly is a wonderful day. Glory glory Man United!"
Rooney has requested a transfer twice in the last three years — the first time resulting in death threats from Man United fans when Man City was reported to be his preferred destination. The second time came just last summer, with Chelsea very interested in acquiring him. Both threats, which were orchestrated by Rooney's agent, Paul Stretford, have now resulted in Man United offering the player significantly improved five-year contracts.
"After 10 years with Manchester United, this club has become my family," Rooney said. "I'm very proud of all I've accomplished here, but they really do make it too easy to squeeze more and more money out of them. I just say I'm going to leave and boom — they offer me a bigger contract. Anyway, I look forward to doing this many more times with continued success over the coming weeks, months and years. Oh, and maybe we'll win the Europa League at some point too."
When asked when it will finally be enough, Rooney sighed and said, "Biweekly hair transplants are expensive."
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