Future News: Robin van Persie demands transfer to ‘the real Manchester United’

Brooks Peck

Confirming rumors that he has made a formal transfer request, Manchester United striker Robin van Persie has announced that his intended destination is "the real Manchester United." Confused by the club's struggles this season, the 30-year-old Dutch international is under the impression that he is currently playing for a different team and would like to return to the side he helped to the Premier League title last season.

"Where's Sir Alex [Ferguson]? Who's the guy with the big hair? I want to go home," Van Persie told reporters at Manchester United's Carrington training ground. "Earlier this year I was lifting the Premier League trophy and now every time I look at the bench, the Everton manager is standing there looking constipated. And what is an Adnan Januzaj? I spoke to the little boy inside me, who is now my agent, and he is screaming for the real Manchester United. As well as some ice cream."

Van Persie joined the club in the summer of 2012 after eight years with Arsenal and led the league with 26 goals last season. He's already scored seven times in 11 appearances this season, but Man United are currently in ninth place under new manager David Moyes. Now, with Arsenal atop the table, Van Persie is set on a January move to a form of the team he currently plays for that no longer exists.

"I don't know if this is some kind of a prank by Arsene Wenger or if the real Manchester United moved to a different location and forgot to email me the details, but in January, I must return to the club," Van Persie insisted. "With Arsenal signing Mesut Ozil and being in first place, I'm pretty sure this is just Wenger's attempt to teach me a lesson, though. There's no way any of this is happening in real life."

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Brooks Peck is the editor of Dirty Tackle on Yahoo Sports. Have a tip? Email him or follow on Twitter!