Following a dogged pursuit and intense negotiations, former Barcelona manager Pep Guardiola has been put in charge of every professional club in Europe. Even before stepping down from his job with Barcelona at the end of the season, Guardiola has been named as the prime target by a number of Europe's top clubs, including Chelsea, Liverpool and Milan. But instead of choosing just one position, Guardiola has decided to accept all of them.
"After winning everything with one team, I decided that winning everything with all of the teams would be my next challenge," said Guardiola at a press conference broadcast across the continent. "Since every club looking for a new manager -- and even those that weren't -- had me at the top of their wish lists, I felt that I couldn't let any of them down, so I accept all of the jobs. I hope the managers put out of work by this understand, but, at least now they can pursue a new career where they aren't constantly criticized for not being me."
Guardiola has decided to maintain a central command station high in the clouds above Europe, where he can keep an eye on his thousands of players and hundreds of clubs. This will also allow him to remain within earshot of the prayers from the many club owners who idolize him. Several executives offered to have a custom aircraft built to facilitate his wishes, but Guardiola declined, citing his ability to levitate.
"I'm not exactly sure how this will work," Guardiola admitted. "But FIFA will probably have to allow matches to be played with two balls next season."
When reached for comment, Jose Mourinho, the one manager who retained his job in the Guardiola takeover, said, "Bring it on, Pepperpot."