Future News: Mario Balotelli apologizes for things he will probably do in the near future

Brooks Peck
Dirty Tackle

After apologizing for getting sent off in Man City's 1-0 loss to Arsenal, Mario Balotelli attempted to further prove his maturity by preemptively saying he is sorry for several incidents that have yet to occur.

"I'm very sorry for running over Kun Aguero with a stolen forklift next week," said Balotelli in a statement read by his agent, Mino Raiola. "I have no idea how it will happen, but I know it will cause Manchester City great disappointment and it will probably hurt Kun. A lot."

Manchester City manager Roberto Mancini has already threatened to not play Balotelli for the remainder of the season and sell him this summer, which leaves few ways for the club to punish him for his upcoming offenses.

I'm also very sorry for pretending to be Danny Welbeck and scoring a match-winning goal for Manchester United the next time they play City," Balotelli continued. "It will make Roberto Mancini, my personal hero, cry. And that is going to upset me a great deal. That'll be a shame."

"Last but certainly not least, I'm also very sorry for when I quit football and become a primary school teacher. That's just going to be weird."

Balotelli hopes to play for Italy in this summer's European Championship, but hasn't ruled out accidentally curing hepatitis instead.