Despite having the highest payroll of any Premier League club, Manchester City have become the first English side ever to not win a single match in the Champions League group stage. The domestic champions have reached a new low in their ongoing struggles in European competitions and have now promised to spend less money in order to make a serious run at greater success.
"For years, Chelsea spent the most and never won the Champions League," said Man City chairman Khaldoon Al Mubarak while ordering a team meal from Pizza Hut. "Now, we spend even more and do even worse. Everyone thinks that money is an automatic advantage, but it is clearly a curse. Fans of other clubs should thank us for bearing this burden so they don't have to."
Once again drawn into the Champions League "Group of Death," Man City only managed three draws and three losses as they failed to make it to the knockout rounds for the second straight year. Now they plan to enact drastic changes.
"To help us emulate previous champions, we've already brought on former Barcelona executives Ferran Soriano and Txiki Begiristain," Khaldoon continued, after ordering a personal pizza with no cheese and no sauce for Gareth Barry. "We will also ask [Chelsea owner] Roman Abramovich to share his methods of more reasonable spending with us. And since Barca have had so much success with a team predominantly from their own youth academy, we might send our entire first team to play a season or two at the academy level so they can form similar bonds."
The question that remains is whether Man City will sack manager Roberto Mancini, who has never found success in Europe with any club he has led.
"I can't say whether we will retain Mancini or not," Khaldoon concluded. "But if we do part with him, we will sign both Jose Mourinho and Pep Guardiola as co-managers. There is no way that could go wrong."