Dirty Tackle

Future News: Bayern Munich to refund price of all tickets this season due to lack of competition

Brooks Peck
Dirty Tackle

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Bayern players on their knees, begging forgiveness for dominating yet again. (Getty)

Bayern Munich have sensationally announced a plan to refund the price of all tickets sold this season, citing an embarrassing lack of competition on all fronts. Bayern wrapped up the Bundesliga title in early April with a 20-point lead over second-place Borussia Dortmund and just one loss all season. They have also reached the DFB Pokal final and Champions League final, where they will face Dortmund after beating Barcelona by an aggregate score of 7-0 in the semifinals. Now, they will return the money of all fans who attended matches this season.

"This season has already been very successful for us," Bayern Munich president Uli Hoeness told reporters. "But it has not been very sporting. When you win most every game by many goals, you must ask if the fans are getting value for their money. And since we do not see supporters as house cats to be milked, we have decided to refund their money for what has turned out to be a season of one-sided exhibitions. After all, no one should have to pay to watch someone play FIFA 13 on amateur difficulty and clearly we do not need their money anyway. I certainly don't want it. I don't pay taxes, so I already have more money than I know what to do with. We are not greedy like the English."

Bundesliga clubs have won widespread praise for their reasonable pricing model and inclusive philosophy — a marked difference from the business-first approach of the Premier League. Though Bayern's unprecedented refund offer takes that reputation to a new level, Hoeness, who had his offer to resign turned down after admitting to tax evasion, remains hopeful that things will be different next season.

"The team we built is simply too good," he continued. "This is why we are bringing in Pep Guardiola next season. Hopefully with a manager less experienced than Jupp Heynckes who cares more about possession than scoring hundreds of goals, there will be closer matches and more drama on the pitch. If not, we will have the players do actual work by cleaning the homes of ticket holders after matches."

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